Harder than I thought

Yesterday was divine awareness. I drew the card, meditated on it for a while, and that was pretty much the end of it. There was a time that I was able to keep the day's message at the back of my head, and see how it had a hand in my day. That seems to be taking some practice to bring back.
I seem to be emerging from my funk. I was in a place where I had next to no motivation. I feel energy starting to come back.
I bought a dry rub scrub brush (is that what it's called?). It pains me to write that, because I broke a cardinal rule in doing so. You don't buy anything for yourself before Christmas or your birthday. It invariably infringes on a gift that someone has already gotten you. So while I can hear the shouts of dismay from family...if any of you had bought this for me for Christmas, I will go out and buy a hat for the sole purpose of eating it. And don't go out and buy one just so you can say you had already done it.
Anyway, I used the brush yesterday, and did feel quite invigorated afterwards, though a little scared by the dead skin. But there is something in knowing I was sloughing that off...new beginnings, new life. Get rid of what you don't need.

The day started well....

I woke up and felt like I had all my ducks in a row. I woke up at a decent hour (a little bit of a sleep in, but early enough to still get things done). Things felt like they were falling into place. I felt motivated enough to draw an "I am Divine" card. I drew divine Unity.
No offence Barbara, but I am thinking that I will create a set of cards I am Undivine. Today I apparently drew divine Snippiness. I just couldn't stop snipping at Andy. I tried to remove myself to get some space, but it didn't help much. I think it is taking a while to get used to us being together again. Since the end of September, he has been travelling for business almost every week.
So before the day started to go downhill....I thought about unity, and feeling connected. Yesterday Andy and I went to visit his aunt and uncle. There was a bit of a heated debate. Andy spoke about wanting to trace family history, and visiting the country his family originated from. Andy's uncle (his dad's brother) does not have good memories - bad family situation and the fact they were Jews living in Eastern Europe during the 2nd world war. Andy and I share a passion for researching our family trees. To us it is a sense of feeling connected. It took some back and forth, but I can see how uncle L has made made peace but doesn't want to revisit the past, but I know that for Andy, a large reason for wanting to visit is just to take a deep breath and think "I am breathing the same air that my family once breathed". I mean obviously not the exact same air, but you know what I mean.

But I digress. I tried. It didn't go well. Tomorrow is another day.

Divine committment

Today's card was divine committment. I'm not sure if the cards are following a theme, or if I am just interpreting them along that line.

I might keep mentioning the fact that my house is clean, and that might seem like a strange thing to those who don't know me. For those who do, know that our house is usually, well, not neat. As one website coins it, we live in CHAOS, Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome. So the fact that I have had the house in company ready condition for a week is quite an accomplishment. So as I have been drawing the cards intention, awareness, and committment this past week, it has been helping me to stay on track with this.
Intention only means something with action.
Awareness brought a metaphysical quality to order.
Committment drove home the reason why I am doing this.

Thanks for the divine support universe!

Domestic Demi-Goddess

Today was divine joy, and I truly felt this card.
I have been unemployed for almost a year now. I had visions of what I wanted to do with this time. Today was the first day in all this time that I felt that I was doing what I wanted.
While Andy tells me that I set the feminist movement back when I say this, I do indeed want to be a housewife. I keep telling him that feminism isn't that I can't be a housewife, it's that I have that choice, and not have the role thrust upon me.
Today, I was a HOME MAKER. I was actively making my home. 2 loads of laundry done, folded, and put away. A load of groceries bought and put away. A large batch of vegetable soup made and put into the freezer in smaller batches. A large batch of Butternut Squash Ginger Apple soup, same thing. A home made pizza for dinner. 2 messes from a bulimic cat cleaned up. Dishes done, kitchen clean....this is what I want to do. Take care of my home (and home includes the actual building and those in it).
I hate to say this, but it is certainly easier to keep the house clean since Andy is not here. There is nothing more frustrating than cleaning, and then finding a mess that I didn't create.
You can always tell when the house is a disaster, I spend more time on the computer. My laptop is in the bedroom. When the house is a disaster, I hide. I don't want to see it or deal with it. So I hole up in the bedroom. I have my computer, books, and a television. That's enough to get me through the day. Catch 22...the house is a mess so I hide, but the more I hide, the messier the house gets. Right now the house is clean, and so it's easy to keep it up. I've made this promise before, but I make it again, I intend to keep it this way.
I'd call myself a domestic goddess, but I save that term for my sister who does things like what I did today, but does it with 2 kids under the age of 2. I'm not in her ranks yet.

Invisvible

I was divine vision, but that's hard to do when you are not actually interacting with anyone. I'm not working right now, and Andy is away on business, so my social interaction is at a minimum. But it does give me time to contemplate things in the theoretical, if not the practical. To be divine vision, is to see without judgement.
I did have my Weight Watchers meeting today. I am opening my eyes to how many people go through the same though patterns that I have. Funny though that those thought patterns have always kept me sort of isolated. Well, more of a chicken and egg type of situation. I was isolated due to the thoughts, but the thoughts brought more isolation. It's eye opening to see that even those who you would think have it all together, don't. And I am learning that there are people who seem to think that I have it all together. I guess it's all about appearances.

Intentions

Today was divine intention. I laughed when I pulled that card, as we all know what the road to hell is paved with...My thoughts at the end of the night are ususally "I intended to, I meant to, I planned to...."all variations of the same theme.
I guess the difference lies between "having" intention, and "being" intention. Having intention is a free floating idea, being intention haws every cell of your being working with that intention. These past few days I have had renewed resolution to be more productive, and I think that I have been pretty successful. But today was successful with a constant feeling of a team effort. I know it sounds strange, but it was body, mind and spirit working together. Now wonder I'm tired at the end of the day...apparently it takes 3 of me to get me through the day. Maybe that's partly the Gemini in me coming out. But there is a sense of accomplishment as the day winds down, and a sense of pride knowing that jobs were done, were done properly, and that short cuts were not taken. No procrastination to pull me down.
And Kimberly, if you are reading this, I had forgotten how nice it was to start the days with your recordings. Day 2 of Take 2 of the soul coaching brought great meditation.

So easily derailed

I started over today. I got my 28 Day Soul Coaching CD's, and started on day 1. It was the soul coaching that brought me to the I am Divine cards. I liked where I was going on that journey, but have gotten away from it, so decided to go back to square one.
It was such a good day....very productive, lots of to do's crossed off...got up, went to the gym, came home, did housework, went grocery shopping, put groceries away, dealt with an at home appointment with a service contractor, made home made rolls, made a loaf of bread, got dinner on the table. This is where the day went downhill.
I called Andy at 6. He was leaving shortly, and he had 2 errands to run on the way home. I said, so you'll be home around 8. He said no, 7, 7:30 at the latest. Well, I had planned to eat dinner together, but I was hungry, and I don't like eating too late at night. So I ate dinner, but thought, well, when Andy comes home, I'll sit with him while he eats dinner. I set the shows I like to watch to tape, knowing he would want to watch his shows. 7 and 7:30 came and went. As it approached 8, I though, gee, I'll put Andy's show to tape too, because I know how much he likes it. At 8:30 I got fed up. I cleaned everything up, and started to go upstairs, as there were things that I did want to do, but I had been putting off, waiting for Andy to come home, figuring it was going to be any minute. Of course that's when he walked in the door. Arguing and shouting ensued.

It is really to much to ask to get a phone call when someone is running late? I guess so, because this has been an ongoing issue througHout our marriage. Is it a girl thing? Do I just make a big deal out of it because as girls, we are taught to let people know where we are? Or is it just a consciencious thing? I was further set off because his apology is so hollow and insincere. His apology comes across as "I'm sorry that you got yourself upset, but it's your problem, not mine.". And yes, it is my issue, not his, but isn't being part of a relationship recognizing the triggers that your partner has, accepting them and not deliberately pressing them? If he's running late, I want him to call me and let me know. He can think that it's not necessary, he can think that I'm being anal, that's fine, but it all it takes is a quick call to say "I'll be an hour later than I thought", isn't that easier? I'm not so controlling that I expect a call if he's running a little late, but there's a big difference between being 20-30 minutes late, and almost 2 hours.

Today I was divine unity. The only thing that occured to me was wanting to unite my foot with his butt.

However, as with Day 1 of the Soul Coaching journey, I did remember to breathe.

Holding on to anger isn't productive, but I can't help but feeling that in just letting this go, nothing will get resolved, because Andy doesn't care. Of course, he leaves on business on Wednesday, and I will feel to guilty if he leaves and we are still on bad terms, so I will smooth everything over, and nothing will get resolved anyway.

F**K!

Coming back to life

My schedule is slowly returning....got up this morning, drew a new card, and went to the gym. The card I drew was Divine Mystery. It seems like a "get out of jail free" card in Monopoly...I think this is the one that people must hope to draw, nearly on a daily basis. Divine Mystery is to open yourself up to what is possible, and see what comes along.
Today was nearly a perfect day. I don't mean that we won the lottery, or that Andy surprised me with some whirlwind romantic get away, or anything that would make it a stereotypically perfect day.
So what made it perfect? The little things. The little things seemed to line up. I had errands to run, and I remembered everything that needed to be done. There weren't line ups at the bank or at the store. I went in to Zellers with a list of things that I needed, and I came out with only things that were on the list (with the exception of a tube of contact cement that I need for a home repair. Granted, it wasn't on the list, but as far as "impulse buys" go, this doesn't register on the treating yourself scale).
I came home to a spotless kitchen, something that I have been working very hard to achieve. On the spur of the moment, I was able to throw together a beef stew and home made rolls for dinner. And I cleaned up every step of the way. The kitchen is still spotless. It does help that I made the rolls with the aid of my new breadmaker (BEST purchase EVER!!! I got it on Sunday, and this was my third creation with it. This will have paid for itself by the end of the month at this rate!).
The feeling of accomplishement with a list of errands done, a good homecooked meal, and a sparkly kitchen. That made for a fantastic day.

slowly coming back to life

I did pick a card yesterday, I just forgot to blog. I have been out of sorts...it's been hard to get back into a schedule, as loose a schedule as it may be.
I've had a cold for a week and a half now....I don't know if it has been a particularily nasty cold, or if because I am not working I notice it, but I have not had the energy to do anything. When you're working and you get sick and you feel exhausted, it's easy enough to say well, I'm sick and it's been a long day, so that's why I'm tired. I wasn't doing anything to be that tired....
Yesterday I was divine awareness. I did feel more focused/determined. I was cleaning/decluttering/organizing, and really did get things accomplished yesterday. That felt good.
I was most definitely aware of the thunderstorm this morning! It wasn't a good night. If you asked me, I would say that I couldn't sleep, and I was up until well after 2. I probably was sleeping, but it sure didn't feel like it. I did see the lightning moving in, then the thunder and lightning started with real intensity. I love thunderstorms, but even I was a little unnerved by the one last night. Then Andy had to get up at 5 today, and I was worried that the power would go out, and Andy wouldn't get up in time (his boss picked him up at 5:30 this morning for a business trip). All in all it was not a restful night. But tonight we can try again!

divine despair

I have fallen off the wagon with a thud big enough to register on the richter scale. Forgive me readers, for I have lapsed. It's been about 6 weeks since my last posting.
I did draw cards, some days, not every day, but found it hard to bring it into my life. Irealize that I am in a catch 22. Scared to move forward, but afraid that I will find that life has passed me by. A lot of this has to do with the fear of looking for a job. I don't want to do customer service any more, but what if that's actually all I am cut out for? What if that is actually all I am able to do? I am completely customer serviced out. I no longer care. It's hard to be on the phone for 8 hours taking crap for things that are not your fault. Especially since I do take everything personally, if you tell me it was my fault, I will take the blame. I will actually feel guilty that a traffic accident on the other side of the country that resulted in a Purolator shipment to be delayed. What possible control do I have over that? But I will take the blame. I think the "joys" of the job came a few years back...my company had received a letter from Quebec, in French, and I was asked to translate. It was a letter to all window covering manufactuers regarding safety, and included the autopsy/death report for a 2 year old girl who strangled herself in her bed on the cords from the blinds. I read details that I could have done without. Then the next phone call is to complain that someone still doesn't have window coverings up in their spare bathroom. Really? Is that the important thing in all of this?
Anyway... the job search is causing great distress.
Doesn't help that it is now 2:38 am, and I am obviously wide awake...Andy is away on business, which plays havoc with my sleep schedule. I have a cold, and had counted on the medications I have been taking to knock me out. Tonight they have let me down. Maybe that's a good thing though. I have cough medicine with codine, which has made me hallucinate in the past. I took it yesterday - I woke up and fell asleep 3 times to the same dream. I was in the Victorian age, and was part of a book club. The book we read had a character who was a doctor, and one woman in the group was pissing me off, because she was taking this character as an actual person, and was refering to him as an expert. It was very bizarre. I don't do well when left to my own intellectual devices. It's scary up there.

Divine packing

I am going up north tomorrow. Woohoo!
I am going for 2 weeks. I haven't gone up there for more than a week in 19 years. It's long overdue.
I am sooooo excited for this. It definitely is a place to recharge the batteries. I will look at blogging via iphone, or texting Andy (who is staying at home) and seeing if he can post. If that doesn't work, then my recently sporadic posting will become sporadic again, but due to lack of technology.

I hope that one day I will have a child (or be greedy and have children), and I can share this experience with them. I was lucky, fortunate, blessed, I'm running out of adjectives here, enough that a) my parents have a cottage, and b) that they were both teachers and so we were able to be up there for the whole summer as children.

This has given my sisters and I an awesome balance of being city/country kids. We spent our winters in the luxuries of public transit, schools, shopping, libraries in walking distance, radio and televison.

I was 5 I think when we got indoor plumbing up north. I think I was 7 when we got an indoor toilet. I was 14 when we got a flushable indoor toilet (previous one had been electric). I don't remember how old I was when we got a phone...maybe 10? Before that it was weekly trips to the nearest store (10 minutes or 20 minutes, depending on if we went to Utterson or Raymond) to use the payphones to check in with grandparents. Our first phone was on a party line, There was a sign above the phone indicating which was our ring (were we 2 long rings?). Th.e only radio station we could pick up was CFRB. I still think of Wally Crouter (sp?) when I think of radio announcers. You're a true swimmer when there are no sides to cling to, or bottom to anchor you. We don't even have a sandy beach area. Our lakefront is the Canadian Shield, rocky as all get out, and a pretty immediate 5 foot drop. You can touch bottom, but you don't want to. It's all slimy, icky and nasty.

We got weird looks from our city friends when we would exclaim "Look! There's a Great Blue Heron!" when we were home. The boys who would chase girls with worms were disappointed with our response of "I wish I had my fishing pole", rather than the expected shriek.

My dear hubby is a city slicker, through and through. He doesn't come up often. He enjoys sitting on the deck reading, napping and suntanning.
The cottage allows for some of that, but there is also swimming, walking, fishing, clearing up brush, and usually some reno project that requires countless trips up and down the hill carrying supplies. My sisters and I, at very young ages, were known to carry 2 x 4's, cinder blocks, and bags of cement.
My favourite thing though is freaking Andy out by popping things in my mouth. The first walk we ever went on he screeched "Don't do that, you don't know what it is!!". I didn't believe that he couldn't recognize a raspberry outside of a plastic container on a supermarket shelf. I tried to appeal to his frugal nature (Hey, we pay like 5 bucks for these at home), but even that can't override his city bred cautionary tales of "Don't eat berries off of bushes".

I feel grounded when I am up there. This has been a long time coming.

See you sooner or later :)

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow

Last week we attended the funeral for a woman at my church. She died at the age of 99. On the front of the program was written "Today well lived makes/Yesterday a Dream of Happiness/And every Tomorrow a Vision of Hope".
This, and other events have made me start thinking about how I live my life. I don't live my life today, I live it yesterday or tomorrow, but not today.
My thoughts are very often filled with "I wish I had...., I wish I hadn't..., I can't believe I did...., if only I had....why did I...."
I think about stupid things I said or did when I was 8. I'll bet for the most part the other people there don't even remember. Until someone perfects the time machine, there isn't a whole lot that I can do about it. So why do I let it upset/embarrass/frustrate me now?
When I am not stressing about what happened eons ago, I plan my life around "tomorrow". Tomorrow I will start....as soon as this happens I'll do... once this is done, I can....
This is how I make excuses. Example, I decided recently that I should be going to the gym everyday. But I knew I was going to be going away on holidays...so I had better not start going to the gym everyday now, because I don't want to blow the new pattern so soon. I can rationlize pretty much anything, as flimsy as it may sound to others.
So, how to start living in the moment, or at least in the day (start small, let me get to living within the same 24 hour period before stressing on being within the nanosecond)? I guess the first thing would be to ask myself "what can I do today". Something I will need to work on.

I'll figure it out tomorrow :)

Acceptance

Today I am divine acceptance. Don't try to force the universe to bend to your will, accept the flow of what is meant to be. If you cannot be "go with the flow", then try to reason that what is happening is meant to be happening, you are meant to be where you are.
Fridays have become quite stressful, as they have been, for the last few weeks "enema day". Not for me, but for our poor cat Cleo. It's necessary, but I feel so badly for her. It isn't a pleasant experience for any of us, but at least I understand what is going on, she doesn't have that luxury.
I wish that I could have shared divine acceptance with her. I can only hope that she understands that we are doing this for her own good.

3 days grace

I did pick a card on Monday. I was divine grace - a new card, yay!
Per the book, divine grace "is a joining...an outpouring that eminates from partnership made with Spirit in everything I do...in that place, there is no effort".
As I failed to draw a new card yesterday or today, I've tried to remain in a state of grace. I think Grace helped me in my workout - I have had 2 awesome workouts with my trainer this week. I can't believe I am saying that. That is so unlike me....so like the old me.
I often thought about writing a letter to myself, in the event of some trauma resulting in amnesia. A letter telling myself who I am, but creating the person I want to be, not the person I was: "You're allergic to chocolate, don't go near the stuff. You are a fitness freak, and hit the gym 6 days a week. If you look and see that you are overweight, that must be a result of the accident." Maybe I'm recreating myself minus the physical and mental stress of an actual accident.

All said, that's probably the better route.

My first card in how many weeks?

Since it has been so long, it felt like I was starting all over again. A little worried that it was going to be the week of divine witness again.
But today it was divine relationship. It proved interesting and helpful, though maybe not as it was intended.
I was a little short tempered today. Andy was annoying me to no end. But rather than snap at him, I bit my tongue, and tried to figure out what he was doing that was annoying me, and what it was in me that was reacting. Not always fun to find your own faults, but it comes down to this...if looking at these short comings and either fixing them or learing how to deal with them will make me a happier person, it is well worth the few minutes of uncomfortable self reflection.
Also, then I ate something and felt a little better - need to eat more regularly.
Went to see "Despicable Me" - funny movie. Saw the 3D version, and yes - a little freaky to see things coming off the screen at you.

Whoops part 2

I think I need to start picking a card the night before. The mornings can just be too hectic, and then half the day is gone. If I pick a card the night before, I can meditate on it overnight, and then have a plan of action and mindset for the next morining. We will see if that works any better.

Cleo to the vet again for enemas. Not responding to the medication. Is at the vet overnight for more monitoring.

The question keeps coming up about putting her down. She is 12 - not ancient for a cat, but not a kitten. She has mega colon, which means that part of her colon has stopped pushing the feces out, so it is collecting in her intestine (hence all the enemas). Other than this, she has no other health issues - very mobile, eats, can see, can hear. The surgery is not a guarantee. So am I being selfish in pushing for the surgery?

In puddles of tears.

Whoops

Didn't pick a card today.
Day got off to a rocky start. Last night I finally went to bed (round two, after the wakeup call at 2) at 5 am. Kinda neat drifting off as daylight starts to drift in. Neat that is, when you don't have to get up the next morning. Alarm went off at 6:30. Put pillow over my head and left Andy to his own devices.
I woke up again at 10:30. But didn't wake up on my own, the cat (Dexter) wanted attention and started poking me in the face. When I wake up unexpectedly, it leaves me feeling horrible physically. Muscles hurt, disoriented, and my teeth hurt. That last one is a strange one, but yes, if I get jolted out of sleep, my teeth hurt.
That started my day - day was pretty good, but spent the whole day feeling like I was playing catch up.
Good news was that it was weigh in, and I was down 3.8, which meant that I hit my first 10% (10% of original weight lost). That was a nice milestone.

Long absence

Sorry...fell out of the habit of the cards, and so fell out of habit with the blog. I will draw a card tomorrow morning.
Well, actually, that will be this morning.
It is currently 3:25 am, and as I am not sleep-blogging, I am obviously awake.
2 conclusions ...1) I have just got to accept the fact that I cannot drink diet coke before bedtime and 2) I guess I can't watch Law and Order SVU before bed either.
I was watching SVU until 1, then went to bed. I know it took me some time before I fell asleep, but I did fall asleep. Then Andy got up 2 to go to the bathroom (sorry, babe, I guess there is no such thing as privacy on this blog!) and that woke me up. But I guess I was in a hazy half sleep, and it freaked me out a little. Tried to go back to sleep, but Cleo came along. Still having problems with Cleo - isn't responding to the increased meds, and it looks like surgery will be the next option.
She finally settled on top of my head. After a while, I got really uncomfortable, but I didn't want to disturb her. Especially since I thought that maybe the heat from my head against her stomach might be providing her with some relief/comfort. I lasted until 2:40, then I had to move.
Too agitated/wound up to sleep now.
Benefit to not working is that with a sleepless night, I can make up for it tomorrow. Disadvantage to not working is that if I sleep during the day, I can't sleep at night, leading to more nights like this.
I do not feel divine in the least.

Balancing Act

Yesterday I was divine balance.
Like many, I have difficulty getting balance in my life. But unlike many, my balance is heavily in favour of me, which while some people might be saying "I wish", like anything else can be too much of a good thing.
I am not good with self-discipline. If the choice is housework or reading, watching tv, doing anything else that I want to do, 9 times out of 10 the fun stuff wins out. But the not fun stuff does have to get done, eventually. I need to work on balancing that out.
But yesterday, I had a really good balance. I volunteered at the Relay for Life in Ancaster. My one sister, my dad, 2 of my aunts and I volunteered in the food tent. My mom got to sit at a table and be waited on, a priviledge her group has earned based on the amount of money they have raised. The day was a fantastic balance. Giving to the community, and to a worthy cause, but getting to spend social time with my family. My other sister, her husband and kids came by later, as did one of my cousins and her family. A mini family reunion in the middle of the Ancaster fairgrounds.
At the Relay for Life, they raise money by selling luminairies ( a candle in a while paper bag). You buy a paper bag, and can decorate it and write on it, to support a current victim or survivor of cancer, or to celebrate the life of and remember one who has be taken by this disease. How is that for balance? Supporting the cause, getting to flex creative muscles, and a good mixture of celebrating the good that exisits now, and reflecting on those lost.
We even had a good balance in the luminaries we bought.
We remember the courageous fights of Ali, Alma, and Terry, and mourn their passing.
We remember the courageous fights of Glenys and Kathy, and celebrate their life.

That's what I'm talking about

Today I was divine communication. Boy did I communicate.
Many the time I see someone on Monday, and they say "so, what did you do this weekend", to which I reply "I talked to my sisters".
I talk to my sisters pretty much every weekend (I have 2 sisters). With M, sometimes our calls are a little shorter - she has my niece (19 months) and my nephew (6 weeks). By shorter, I mean about an hour - she is the queen of multitasking. Usually the calls are between 2-4 hours. Almost every weekend. And we all live in Southern Ontario. And we see each other about once a month at my parents. Bell loves us.
What do we talk about? We laugh about this, because we ask the same question. And the answer is - pretty much the same things every week. How can we have the same conversations every week, for hours on end? I don't know. I don't think any of us do.
I'm not sure where we get this from. My mom doesn't have any siblings, so we aren't copying her. My dad is NOT a phone person. Didn't learn it from him either.
I called my sister B yesterday to wish her a nice Wednesday night off (she plays in a orchestra during the year, but it has ended for the summer). I think that simple wish ended up being a 2 hour conversation. Today I saw something on Oprah that I thought she would be interested in, so that simple "hey you should look this up" only lasted 1 1/2 hours. We didn't need to spend too long on the phone since we are going to see each other tomorrow for most of the day.
I don't think, when I was younger, I could have ever imagined that my sisters and I would be so close. I don't think that my parents could have imagined the 3 girls fighting and hollering would grow up to do so either.
My sisters and I all have lots of "friends", but very few FRIENDS. Lots of acquaintances, but not many really close friends. I think though that we fill that role for each other. At least they do for me, and for that I am grateful.

I called my dad tonight to confirm details for tomorrow. It's the Relay for Life walk for cancer in Ancaster, and we are going to support my mom, a survivor.

I talked to Dad for about an hour. Hey Dad? I think that's the longest we've ever talked on the phone without one of us having to go to the bathroom :)

Hellooooo out there

I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, just of the divine wagon.
Got into a bit of a funk, and hubby went out of town on business (that always throws off my schedule, I can't sleep at night, then tired during the day), and then one of our cats got sick. I've been to the vet 4 times in the last week. Well, I haven't been to the vet, Cleo has been to the vet. I've taken her. I go to a people doctor. Sometimes. Don't go to the doctor often. That's a different story. Had the fun of monitoring the litter box all week. We have 2 cats. That's a lot of litter box usage, and I'm going through it like a kid looking for buried treasure in a sandbox. Except this buried treasure is not worth anything and smells overwhelming like ammonia. When I'm not doing that, I am trying to figure out ways to get pills down Cleo's throat. She's very picky, and doesn't eat human food, so that elimiates hiding it in butter or cheese or other foods that we have used in the past for various pets. She has never been much for cat treats, buy we did discover that she loves "Greenies". We found out that Greenies make a pill pocket, so for the first 2 days, she ate the pill laced treats no problem. Then she caught on. So then I rolled the treats in catnip (they are moist, so that worked well), but she figured that out in half a day. Nothing better for an ailing and stressed out cat than wrestling with their owner, who is trying to force their jaws open and throw pills down their gullet!
Vet advised me today that I can put the pill in the syringe (for the liquid meds she is on) with some water, leave it for 1/2 an hour, and then just shoot the water down her throat. Or they can order the liquid form of the medicine (chicken, beef or fish flavoured) for us. Wow. I would have loved either of these little gems last week when all this started!

Too much focus

Today I am divine focus.

In some respects, it was a big help. It was a trainer day today. I realized some time ago, that pretty much every exercise he announced was met with (sometimes mental, sometimes quite verbal) "uugghhhhh, not this!" I eventually realized how negative that was, and also the fact that if we eliminated all the "not this"'s, it wouldn't leave a whole heck of a lot. Not the reason I joined the gym and signed on with a trainer. So I shifted my thinking to try to be more positive, even if sometimes it is still "the faster I do this, the faster it's done".

When I drew divine focus this morning, the first thing was to use focus at the gym. Doing my warm up, I used the machines that I usually try to stay away from. The deal I made with myself was at least 5 mintues. Some of them I hopped off as soon as the 5 minutes was up, others I was able to push a little further. But my focus was on what I was doing. I was trying to actually feel every muscle, every joint, every movement. When I worked with my trainer, my focus was on giving everything I had. Sometimes I can't give everything 100% energy 100% of the time, but I still push through (like dropping the arms, but continuing the jog...). Today I really focused on not breaking away for longer than necessary. I was pretty impressed with what I was able to push through.

On the cat front, Miss Cleo has come home - we have to give her pills and drops, and monitor her, but things seem good right now. Fingers crossed

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Irony

Today, I am divine awareness.

Today, I drove right past my own street on my way home.

We had to take our cat to the vet for an emergency visit this morning, and leave her there all day. Driving home from the vet, I totally missed my street, and was some distance past it before I realized the error. Too be fair, I was one major street south of where I normally drive, and so the cues that I use were a little skewed. I'm used to school, shopping plaza, my turn.

There was the school, then my turn, but I wasn't paying attention. I was paying attention to my driving. I can tell you where the construction site was, the car that passed me in the school zone, and the fact that the lights were flasing in the school zone. I wasn't completely out of the loop.

I was hyper aware today...every meow out other cat uttered sent me through the roof. We had a dog a few years ago that died very suddenly, so pet health scares like this bring back lots of bad memories.

Everything seems to be okay, she's staying overnight for observation. I wish divine awareness on the staff who are keeping an eye on our Cleocatra overnight.

Lessons not learned

Today, I am divine courage. Nope, you didn't accidentally read yesterday's entry again, I drew the same card again.
I think that I am not "getting" this one, so I'm having to live in the same space for a while, giving it time to set in.
Everyday, I do take something away with me, it's not like fractions in school, where once it was done, I walked away, forgetting everything, hoping I would never have to do it again. Do you know that every year I took math, I flipped through the book to see if there were fractions, and dammit there they were. I never actually got that they were not a one time deal.
So in spending a day reflecting on the specific card, I do keep in my back pocket, so to speak. I
am still trying to live as divine witness, even though I haven't drawn the card for some time.
However, I am still not getting divine courage. Maybe I'll get it again tomorrow.

If I only had the noive....

Please pardon the Bert Lahr impersonation in the title, it might not translate too well in written form.

Today I was divine courage, thought didn't find much cause to use it. Except the courage to walk down the aisles of junk food at the grocery, and the strength to not buy anything.

I did however watch friendships of 20+ years disintegrate in a fireball of nasty words on facebook.
I like the fact that most of the time, I can state my opinion, hear a contrary opinion, and agree to disagree. Often, I will ask some questions regarding the other opinion. Not to be contrary, but because I like to be educated, and am interested in where the opposing opinion comes from. I may change camps, or again, just be content to agree to disagree.
I like facebook. Probably spend way too much time there. But I see it as a lighthearted lark. I like to see peoples' status updates - "So and so is celebrating a birthday"..."rotten day, hear moosetrack icecream and grey's anatomy calling my name"...." wishes the rain would stop"....quick, whimsical, sometimes nonsensical glimpses into their lives.

One person I know made a statement regarding the Israeli incident last week. Another person I know replied. Someone I don't know joined the commentary. It became a 3 way conversation, with name calling and hostility growing. Another friend joined in towards the end. The end result was that the whole thread was deleted, but not until well after the damage had been done, and people were "defriended".

This is obviously a hot topic. People were asking questions that were not being answered. People were so intent on making their point, they weren't reading what the other person had actually written.

Sometimes I feel... almost weak, because I don't have convictions that I would fight to the death over. Though maybe it's not that I don't have these convictions as much as I don't have the combative and confrontational nature to fight. But isn't it a mark of strength to sit with someone whose opinion is directly opposite to yours, and look beyond that?

Intention

I'm surprised I remembered to draw a card this morning. It was garage sale day.
We set the alarm for 5 - a time I don't get up under normal circumstances, let alone a Saturday. My plan was for us to get up, move the cars, and then spend time in the garage putting all stuff into categories, so that when we went to set up the tables, it would just be a question of arranging everything.
Lately, I've been having a lot of problems sleeping. While I'm tired, it's taking me hours to fall asleep (lights off and all at 11 or so, but not falling asleep until 1 or 2). It has always taken me 15-20 minutes to fall asleep - I'm so envious of people like Andy for whom sleep seems to be instantaneous with their head hitting the pillow. During the week we have the alarm set for 6:3o, so I'm not letting myself sleep in during the day. I'm not sure why...just seems to be a phase I go through from time to time. Last night it was 2:30 before I fell asleep, so the alarm going off at 5 was not well received.
I did manage to draw the magic card, and today it was divine intention. What do I want to get out of the day. It was a good mantra for me today. It came to me that my intention for today was to have peace.

Andy is a true extrovert - he loves being in a crowd. When we had a garage sale a few years ago, he had no problem becoming "Crazy Andy with deals galore". I am an introvert - crowds, especially strangers, are a challenge for me. So tired and out of my element is not a good combination. Reminding myself that my intention was to have peace in the day helped me relax, let go, go with the flow. I think it made all the difference today.

One thing that did come of out this was a potential face to face book club. One woman was looking through the piles of books that we had, looking for one book in particular. I mentioned that I had read it, and that it was good. She said it was for her book club, and I said that I had read it for my book club.

A few years ago, I had been looking for a book club to help me get out of my reading rut - making me read books I might not have otherwise picked up. I couldn't find a real life book club, so I joined one online. I sort of fell out of the groove about a year ago. Before that I had been reading the books, and following the discussions. but not participating much.

Anyway the woman and I started talking about books and book clubs, and we kicked around the idea of starting a club for our complex. I think it would be great if we could get it off the ground. I live in a town house complex with about 200 houses, but I haven't met many of the other people, other than my direct neighbours. It would be nice to have a social outlet. I'll have to conact her later this week about seeing if this is something that we could indeed start in September.

Certainly a spontaneous turn of events to come out of a garage sale.

Divine unity

Today's card was divine unity. To feel and see how everything is interconnected.
Still feeling decidedly unconnected. Though today is one of the days that I enjoy not working. Was not feeling well, and didn't have to wrestle with the idea of "do I go in or not". Quite a luxury to not have to answer to anyone regarding this.
Spent a lot of time looking out the window today. The birds have finally discovered the feeder I set up out back. Ithink I need to move it - I think it's too close to fence - the birds seem to be hesitant about landing on it, espcially the bigger birds. For 2 days now, I've had a red winged blackbird at the feeder, I've never seen one of them at a feeder before - only on the reeds at the side of highways.
Again, I am grateful for the ravine behind my yard, brining a taste of the nature I grew up with (summers at the cottage) to my home in the city.
Tomorrow is garage sale day. The alarm is set for 5 am (ugh!) so that we can get set up before it starts. We're not even putting prices on anything - essentially everything for a quarter. It's not a matter of making money, it's just getting rid of of the stuff. If we make some cash, so much the better. Anything that doesn't sell goes straight to value village. I hope tomorrow I am divine energy.

Falling off the wagon....bump, bump

Today I am divine strength. Looking for strength in just being, trusting that you are where you need to be, and that you will get what it is you need.

Today wasn't a day to find the lesson. These last few days, I haven't been really feeling the connection to the card, or the message that is supposed to come through. Even during the era of "divine witness", I was able to get some enlightenment, even if I was frustrated with the frequency of the card.

Maybe it's just due to my lack of interaction. These days I'm really only at the gym, running errands, or home alone. With Andy's new job, he's just getting into the swing of things, and hasn't been home before 7 at all this week. We eat dinner, then retreat to our corners, and that's about it.

I did have my weight watchers meeting today. I was up .4. That isn't anything to stress about. Getting a hair cut could take care of that. What does feel good is that my leader really sees me as a pillar of the meeting. She often calls on me to help explain things to new members, and invites me to share a lot in the meetings, more so than others who have been there longer, or have reached their goals (I'm down 30.6, but still a long way from goal). It's a nice feeling though. It certainly appeals to the know it all/teacher in me.

Ah well, tomorrow is a new day with a new card (or a new chance to revisit an old card!!).

I surrender

Today I drew divine surrender, which is largely a variation of divine serenity.

Unfortunately, it wasn't much of a day to explore surrender, serenity, or acceptance.

I went to the gym. I came home, Andy came home. we had dinner, and we've gone to bed.

Not much was put to the test today.

Did have a very good day at the gym. Before I meet with my trainer, I have to do 40 min cardio. I spent that time on the treadmill. 6 months ago, I couldn't have done 5 minutes let alone 40 at the pace I was going. It's a pretty big improvement when I can recognize it.
Then with my trainer, I again noticed that I was running further, doing more pushups. lifting heavier weights. Again, I can see the improvement, so it must exist.

After working with my trainer, I decided to go swimming. Usually, I am so spent that I just go home and crash. But then I thought about it. I have the time to go swimming, and access to a swimming pool. It was hot and humid out. I thought about people (yes, B., I'm thinking of you specifically) who would be angry if they knew that I wasted that opportunity.
I love the water - I swim effortlessly. While running and other aerobic activities make me have to think about how and where my body is moving, swimming is completly natural. I swam for 40 minutes. The water was nice and cool, and a great way to finish off my time at the gym.

I came home. grabbed my frozen grapes and updated my blog for yesterday. I felt relaxed, and my mind was clear.

Then I crashed. I like naps.

I am divine forgetfulness...

Much as I enjoy writing this blog, I guess it's not as much a part of my daily routine as I thought. I remembered this morning as I was getting ready for the gym. So here I sit with my frozen grapes, mulling over yesterday.
Yesterday I was divine serenity. Another version of divine acceptance. In the words of the serenity prayer "to accept the things I cannot change".
I am a planner. I like to plan. I like to write to do lists (remember, theory and practice are two different things. Just because I write things down doesn't mean they get done). I like to schedule. I am flexible enough to have leaway in my plans. I plan for contigencies. Disruptions to my plans don't bother me too much.
It's little things that irritate me. I hate repeating myself. It frustrates me to no end. While I try to be flexible. it does bother me when even my contigency plans fall through.
Divine Serenity is making me step back and try to go with the flow.
Yesterday was a bad day for having to repeat myself. Just took big breaths.
Last night, Andy called and said he would be a little late for dinner - he figured it would be about 6. At 6:30 I had dinner ready. At 7 I decided to eat anyway. I put Andy's dinner in the fridge. It's not like we had plans, so I just reminded myself it was no big deal. At 7:30. I decided to go sit out front with a book, and wait for Andy on the front porch. A spur of the moment, go with the flow decision made for a lovely evening. It was cool last night, a light breeze, lots of birds flying around. I got 6 chapters a of a new book read. I only came in because my butt fell asleep. Andy finally made it home at 8:45. But he came home to a dinner waiting for him, and a calm and relaxed wife. Serenity.

Ummm, this is a family friendly blog?

Today I drew "I am divine sensuality". Again, the cards give a different interpretation than what initially comes to mind. My first thought was "is this going to be something I will be able to blog about in a forum that my parents and family read?".
Sensuality was stripped down to the bare bowns -actuallly paying attention to the senses. To listen, see, smell, touch and taste with intention.
The first place I went thisw morning was the gym....I decided not to focus on the smell sense. Not the best environment. But it certainly made my work out more agreeable to focus on the music.
My treat when I get home from the gym is to eat frozen grapes. I love the texture of frozen grapes. I am very much about the texture of food. My sister and I love to eat those sour cream and onion rings, but we like them when they are stale, which are chewier. When my sister comes, I buy them, and open them the day before so they'll be ready when she gets there.
I spent some time petting the cats, feeling their fur, feeling the vibration of the purr under my fingers. I think they were appreciative of the extra attention. As appreciative as cats are of the humans they own.

As I write this, Andy has fallen asleep, so the snoring has started. I do not intend to be divine sensualtiy with my listening skills. I intend to be divine "sleeping with a pillow over my head".

Blogger, heal thyself

Today I am divine healer.

I am finding that often the cards don't mean what I think they will when I first see what my mission for the day is. Except divine witness. I know exactly what that means when I draw that card :)
I thought that divine healer would be about nuturing and repairing relationships. I was partly right, but it would appear that the relationship that I should most focus on is my relationship with myself.
Well, it makes sense, of all the relationships that I have neglected, ignored, or been most abusive about, that would indeed be the relationship that is in most dire need of healing.
I have had a huge about face in the past few weeks, rather than being my own worst enemy, I am trying to become my own best friend. It requires a huge shift in thinking, and I am worried the about the first time this gets put to the test. Recentlly, my life seems to be going along tickety-boo, and I haven't had any major upheavals that might start the negative self-talk. But for now, I think I have been mending some rather large fences.

The decluttering was a little derailed today, but we still managed to get a lot done yesterday, so IU'll take it. Rome wasn't build in a day, our house won't be decluttered in a day.

I am hoping for this decade though. Or by the end of the next, at the latest.

Picking your battles

Today I drew the card "divine acceptance". To accept what is, in that moment. Today it became clear that this was a reminder for me to pick my battles.
I am struggling, as I suppose many women do, with finding that delicate balance between doormat and bitch. Add in a day where you are just plain ornery.
We spent the morning cleaning out the basement - a continuation of last weekends major garage overhaul. This was successful in terms of getting things accomplished, but not as successful as last weekend as far as keeping a positive atmosphere amongst the workers (hubby and I). He kept putting stuff in the keep box, and I couldn't understand why he was keeping what I would consider junk. Then came the bookshelves...as book enthusiasts, we have quite the library. But as much as I don't like getting rid of books, I am getting better at looking at books thinking "I hated that book and will never read it again, get rid of it." Even books that I had gotten as a child (with happy birthday or merry christmas in the cover), but did not read. If I didn't read them then, I most likely won't read them now.
Andy seems more reluctant to weed out the library. I think we have more books on military history and tactics than any military library.
So the first key was to not be judgemental, which was getting difficult. The second key was to just accept that this is how it was meant to be. Pick my battles. Realizing that in the heat of the moment, it wasn't the time to press the issue.
The afternoon redeemed the morning. The Weight Watcher's I attend recently moved buildings, and today was their official "grand opening". Had a great afternoon with a group of women who are quickly becoming friends.
After the reception (which included cake - at weight watchers!) Andy decided to run a few errands in the same mall. One of the women suggested that we go for coffee while he did his errands. A great hour of good companionship. What more can you ask for? Plus the afternoon out and the additional company cleared the stressful atmosphere of the house, so all is quiet on the homefront.

Til tomorrow, when the decluttering continues :)

Happy Birthday, happy day

I spent the day with my family today. A good day for divine relationship.
It was my middle sister's birthday, so my mom, both my sisters and I went out for lunch (we were accompanied by my nephew, but at 13 days he had little to add to the conversation).
It was a good day to reflect on family, especially where we were. We went to a potter's workshop that we have frequented for years. It has become a tradition when you get married, you get pieces of this pottery (this includes my cousins). One of the sources of inspiration for this potter are pieces of pottery that were made by my great-great grandfather. The potter knows of our family connection to the pieces. Over the years, my sister has become better acquainted with this potter, and when he saw her, he let her know that he had just gotten 2 new pieces of g-g-grandpa's pottery, and brought them out to show. On the bottom of one of the pieces, g-g-grandpa had wiped the glaze away, leaving his fingerprints. We were able to get a picture of my nephew's tiny newborn hand touching the finger prints of his great-great-great-grandfather. A 6 generation span actually touching, in a manner of speaking.

So a lovely day spent visiting, with a opportunity to reflecton on generations past, present and future.

Happy Birthday, B.

I am divine beauty. Looking for beauty in all around me. Definitely easy to find the beauty in the huge thunderstorm today...wow, Mother Nature is a force to be reckoned with. I love watching waves of rain move across the ground.
We were out, and in a store when the storm started. No one was brave enough to leave. There were moments that you couldn't see the cars in the lot, a mere few feet away. After 20 minutes, we decided to make a run for it. Oh, we were soaked. The front dash of the car was soaked just from opening the door to get in.
When the rain stopped, and it started to clear, you could see the good that was done. Flowers had perked up, the lawn looked better. Everything looked clean.
Today was my Weight Watcher's meeting (down 1.2, woo hoo!). Our meeting leader asked us to share things that have changed since we had stared our weight loss journey. I mentioned that I see better mobility, how I was able to play on the ground with my niece, and get back up no problem.

My leader thanked me. She said that almost made her cry. She said the changes she has seen in me have been amazing, and that she hoped I can see how beautiful I am. She hopes I can see the self confidence that I project. She said a bunch of other nice things about me.

It was hard for me to sit there and hear it. I have never accepted compliments well. But I didn't shoot the comments down, I didn't make some joke to discredit the compliments. Not even in my head. I heard what she was saying, and said thank you. That was difficult, drowning out the negative voices in my head, but I did it. That's a first for me.

Times they are a changin'.

Body divine

Today I am divine body. To marvel at everything our...my...body can do.
Today I had a session with my trainer. When I lost my job, Andy and I discussed it, and we decided that I could take some time off to take care of myself. That included starting to go to the gym, and starting to work with a personal trainer. I am overweight. I had lost my body. I don't mean (or just mean) my shape, I mean my body. I couldn't do things I used to. If I got down on the floor, I had to think about how I was going to get back up. I couldn't always move the way I wanted to. I have lost weight, and I have started to reclaim my body. I noticed it last week when I was playing with my niece, that I was getting down on the floor and back up with little thought or effort. Today when I was working out, I noticed that I can run longer (I still hate running though), my strength has increased, my endurance has increased.
If you ever are taking for granted what your body does, look around you. There are those who are physically handicapped, and perhaps have never known what it is to have a body that moves and responds without consious thought. Watch a toddler who is just mastering their motor skills. and for whom every act (even just getting the Cheerio in their mouth) is a deliberate and complicated task. Talk to someone who has recently hurt their back - movements that you take for granted all of a sudden take a lot of planning and thought.

However, while I appreciate this is what it takes, and I know this is what has to happen, I will admit that I am a sore and exhausted divine body, and am ready for exquisite and healing sleep.

So I knew this one....

...because I know everything. What I don't know, I just make up. Say it with enough conviction and they'll believe you anyway.
Today, I am divine consciousness. When I read the words " I am all knowing, I am all wisdom", I almost showed it to Andy and said "see, told ya..."
I'm just kidding - I do act like a "know it all", but I know I'm just a "know it some".

Today was to focus on all things being connected. I guess along the lines of a butterfly's wings creating a storm on the other side of the world. I guess I lost focus today and didn't think about this too much. I guess it's a bit of a catch 22. Because I am home alone during the day, I sometimes lose focus as I don't encounter a lot of opportunities to put these daily suggestions to the test On the other hand, if I were at work, it would be easy to get caught up in situations and completely forget the mission for the day.

Knowing my relationship with these cards, I feel safe in saying that I'm sure I will have opportunities to practice this again. Maybe that's my divine consciousness kicking in.

I am Divine Creator

You reap what you sow. That's the message that I am getting from today's card. I am Divine Creator.

If you live in chaos, you create chaos, if you live in order, you create order, if you live in love, you create love.

Yesterday, we made the final push through the garage. It is still full of boxes, but I know what's in the boxes. Some of the boxes are designated for garage sale (that's in 2 weeks....after that, if the stuff doesn't sell, it will go to Value Villiage, or some similar organization). The rest of the boxes need to be reorganized - either the stuff put away in the house, or grouped together (like Christmas ornaments) and stored.

I want order, light and love in my life. To invite this into my life, I need to make room for it. While the next card might not be "I am Divine Creator" (though, the way I pull cards, it might just very well be), I want to keep the momentum for this going.

Patterns

These cards are establishing a pattern all on their own. Neat and scary at the same time. Second Sunday, second Sunday of Divine Gratitude. I guess if I am not going to incorporate organized religion into my Sundays, the Universe would like to make sure that I take a moment to give thanks. So again, beyond the obvious food, shelter, clothes, etc

While I am embarrassed by the amount of JUNK that we are cleaning out of the garage, I am thankful that we are in a position to have junk to get rid of. That doesn't mean that I don't intend to seriously reduce our consumerism, but it's nice to know that I have what I need (and then some).

I am grateful that summer weather is here. I am not a snow bunny. I hate the cold. Do much better in the heat (and if my sister is reading this, I know, I know, it's too hot for you!).

I am thankful for my circle of friends and family. No matter how small or big it is, it's mine.

I am grateful for e-mails. Nice to make near instant contact with people. Or to be able to drop a message for someone, and allow them to reply at their own pace.

I am grateful that our house backs onto a ravine and parkland. I love having nature in my backyard.

While I am not currently working, so it shouldn't really make a differece, I am grateful for 3 day weekends. Especially when there is nice weather.

I am grateful for opportunities to stretch my creative wings.

I am grateful for peaceful cats sleeping at my feet. The picture of peace and contentment.

I am grateful for stumbling on good movies on TV.

I am grateful for future family events. That gives me lots to look forward to, and another opportunity to be grateful for my family - the one that I was born into, and the family that has joined along the journey.

Peaceful slumber everyone.

The universe knows....

Maybe I should write in code...it seems like the universe is spying on me.

Or at least, as I ask the universe what it needs to tell me on a daily basis, it is freaking me out when it's spot on.

Today I am divine focus.

Today is the day we had planned to start tackling the garage.

Coincidence? Apparently not.

With divine focus, I am to focus on the task at hand, and persevere. I have been wanting to get the garage sorted out for almost 2 years now. When we first moved in, everything we didn't have a place for went in the garage. We were here for 8 months, parking one car in the driveway. and one car in the overflow parking for our condo complex.

Last May/June Andy managed to get the garage sorted, in that he bought lots of bins, and put everything into bins, and stacked the bins on either side of the garage. Only one car fits in there comfortably and still allows the driver to open the door and get out.

Today, we went through 12 boxes. Now we have 4 boxes that are keep, and 4 that are designated for garage sale. The rest was garbage. I was ruthless in getting rid of stuff. A lot of it is easy though if you think "I forgot we even owned this, and it has been sitting in the garage for 2 years without us ever thinking of it...". Our townhouse complex has a big joint garage sale every year. This year I will be prepared.

I'm surprised that the afternoon went so well. We worked for 4 hours straight. For us, we usually get side tracked, or start arguing, or get caught up in some minute aspect and lose sight of the bigger picture. This afternoon, we moved efficiently, respectfully, and determinedly through the boxes. And I am quite pleased with the results. It doesn't look much different right now, because the boxes we are going to keep are still in the garage until we can systematically organize what is in them, and the boxes for the garage sale are still in there until the garage sale, but we know which is which, and we know that these boxes will disappear from the garage over the next few weeks.

The universe knew I needed to be reminded to focus.

Shhhh....it's listening.

This blog will self destruct in 10 seconds....

Counting cards

It is official.
My pack of cards holds a total of 52 cards. They are all different. I went through the pack, card by card.

Granted, I am 2 days without being divine witness. Insert "woo hoo" here. Not that I am not grateful for the message it brings, I just like new challenges. I was never big on practicing.

However, for the 2nd day in a row, I am divine relationship.

Funny thing is that today was a quiet day. The only people I've seen today are myself and Andy.

Funny thing number 2, these are the 2 people I am probably the most critical and judgemental towards.

I forget sometimes that I do indeed need to count myself when thinking of the people with whom I have a relationship.

In the past, I treated myself worse than I would treat my worst enemy. Said nasty things, and very harsh. That is IN THE PAST! I've started treating myself as I should treat myself. As a friend, not an enemy.

Sometimes the lesson I figure out at the end of the day isn't what I envisioned in the morning when I draw the card.

It's all relative

Yesterday, I was divine relationship.
It couldn't have come on a more opportune day. Yesterday I had offered to go see my sister and give her a hand. Her daughter is 18 months, and she just had a new baby (a boy) 2 weeks ago. Her hands are a little full.
I had done this after my niece was born - taken a day off here and there to go help. I always envision my sister sitting with a cup of tea, just relaxing, or even grbbing a quick nap, while I do dishes, or fold laundry, or mop the floor. or what have you. What always winds up happening is that I play with the kid(s), while my sister does the aforementioned chores. I always feel like I am not doing anything useful while. My sister argues that taking care of the kids is a gift so she can clean without interruption. I get to play with my niece and hold my nephew, so I am not going to complain.
This blog is late. Holding the newborn I can handle. Playing with a toddler is new for me. I fell asleep before I could even think of writing last night.

We also went to visit my grandmother yesterday. My sister wanted to introduce the baby, but needed an extra set of hands for the operation. Aunt Ceci to the rescue. My grandmother is 92 (she will be 93 in June!), and had to move into a nursing home 3 years ago due to declining physical health. She lives about 2 hours away from me, so I don't go as often as I should, or as I would like to.
As yesterday was Thursday, my parents came to the home. Every Thursday my parents visit my grandmother (they live about an hour away). and bring dinner and stay with my grandma. They have a family dinner, and I think my dad enjoys coming up with different ideas. Everytime my grandmother mentions some sort of craving, even in passing, he tries to accomodate it. They've had full roast beef dinners, hamburgers and french fries (my dad even made extra small patties and found tiny buns, so the portions would be okay for grandma), even Tacos from Taco Bell! My mom spends every Thursday morning chopping up a green salad ( I never knew it was possible to chop lettuce, carrots, celery, tomatos, etc... into such tiny pieces) so grandma can eat it. and of course the hightlight of the evening is dessert. Grandma lights up like a little kid.
Dad also brings other things - extra bread, some ham sandwiches, some cheese, extra portions of desserts, so that Grandma can have treats for lunch the next day as well.
While my parents are only able to make it once a week (and a it wasn't that long ago that these weekly visits were maintained through my mom's chemo treatments and endless Dr's appointments), my aunts (who both live about 10 minutes from the nursing home), take turns going every night to help my grandma get ready for bed. It's sad to think that there are residents in that home who may not have had a visitor in weeks, months, or ever (and that isn't a judgement, not everyone has the time, or proximity) and my grandma has not had a single day without a visitor.
Grandma apologizes for taking everyone's time, but everyone wants to do this for her. From what I have seen, there is no sense of "I'm doing this because I owe it to the woman who gave me life". It is a genuine action out of love. May we all be so luck to generate such love in our relationships.

Being surrounded with all these people yesterday made it very easy to be in my relationships.

Exhausting, but easy!

Impeccable witness

Since I didn't get the card yesterday, that means that today (again!) I am divine witness. Maybe if I had been practicing this for some time, I could just greet Sir Witness as a good old friend, but as this is new for me, and I am impatient, I want to explore new things, not revisit the same thing time and again.

I e-mailed Barbara (the divine creator of the cards) suggesting my cards were somehow broken. Her response to me was what do I think the message is?

My first struggle with this is how do you have negative feelings without judgement? They are going to exist. Those kids at synagogue were annoying. Today whilst Andy was navigating the downtown Toronto traffic that scares the everliving daylights out of me, I noted several cyclists who were not obeying the laws of the road. I support cyclists and their right to be on the road. However, the cyclists I saw today were not using hand signals, were running red lights, and one ran a red light and almost hit 2 pedestrians who were crossing with their light. I wonder if these same cyclists rant about insensitive drivers? So I can not pass judgement, that was actually the easy part. It was wrestling with the fact that I was feeling annoyed that had me stuck.

I asked Kimberly (my soul coach), and Barbara as I saw them both tonight. It comes down to this (if I am understanding it properly). The feeling of being annoyed, or frustrated, or what have you will come - it's the decision if you will let it consume you or deplete your energy that is really the focus.

When I get a mosquito bite - I feel frustrated - it's itchy, irritating, and an annoyance. But I don't sit there cursing and damning mosquitos to hell. The negative feelings are fleeting. (Mosquitos buzzing in my ear at 2 am are a different story though...).

So it is the option - do I allow the negative feeling to take up valuable space in my mind or not? And if the answer is yes, does it have a useful outlet? In the instance of the cyclists, if it is going to be that big of an issue, what do I intend to do with this? Write a letter to the editor? Write some organization? As I say to Andy when he is hemming and hawing about a decision - "shit or get off the pot". Either do something constructive with the negative emotion, or let it go.

Tonight at my Soul Coaching session (the last one *sob*) we drew cards from a different deck of affirmation cards. I got "Impeccability". Guess what? It was just another word for "Witness". The meaning of the card was to have your words, thoughts, and deeds reflect who you are. There is no escape for me.

So WHY do I keep getting this message - I think I have figured it out. This whole "being positive" thing is new for me. When I was in high school, our graduating year, the year book had a section for us to put the "Most likely to..."s. Mine was censored by the staff advisors, as they thought it was mean, but it was true. My friends had put that I was "most likely to start pessimists anonymous".

I do not want to, nor do I intend to fall into my old patterns. I think that I am getting this card every other day to help keep me on the path that I want to follow. The universe is allowing me one day to explore other realms of the divine, but then brings me back to divine witness as a reminder of who I have become.

But tomorrow I am going to count the cards and make sure that I only have ONE "divine witness".

Law and order

Today I am divine order. Between witness and order, and (not) being judgemental, I am almost the whole justice system by myself :)

Divine order scared me at first, just seeing the word. I was picturing a day of decluttering and cleaning. I am very organized in my mind. It just doesn't translate too well into the actual world. I spend too much time planning and not much time doing. I am the Queen (I'll pause now as you bow in my presence) of buying cards (Christmas, Birthday, you name it). getting them written, addressed, stamped....and then not getting them in the mail. I love finding cards for people, I actually enjoy writing the holiday cards. I normally have these things well in advance. Then I think...I can't send this now, it's too early. I'll just get these done and ready to go. Then my next thought is, well if I send this now, it will get there 3 days late. No one will believe I had it ahead of time. As I write this, I still have my grandmother's Mother's day card on my dresser. Almost 2 weeks after the fact.

Divine order had nothing to do with that. Divine order is allowing the universe to unfold at it's pace, and accepting that things happen the way they are supposed to. Is it really a coincidence, or is it a plan bigger than your own vision coming to fruition?

Today I had errands to run, and in the back of my mind there was the fact I needed to get my nails done (and if my mom reads this, I know they aren't really my nails, but at least I can't bite these ones....). Then I decided that I would just go home. So I turned down the street to head home, and find that the next intesection has been closed by the police (for construction, nothing horrific). So I have to turn to go up to the next major street. Due to other construction, and the traffic being diverged, the next major interection was a mess, and I figured, hey just turn right, get out of this, and just get your nails done.

While I was sitting there, a girl I used to work with walked in. I hadn't seen her for almost a year (she left before I did). We had a really nice chat, and it was lovely to not have it filled with the negative work talk that would have existed if we were both still there. I got her contact info, and she suggested that we should get together sometime.

I am going to take her up on that. In the past, I would have though "Oh, she's just being polite." I am going to keep in touch with her. We'll see where this goes.

As we were catching up, she mentioned that another former colleague of ours had recently lost her father. I took the opportunity tonight to give her a call and offer my belated condolences. She seemed a little surprised to hear from me, but I think she appreciated that I called.

So a chance meeting and a phone call that wouldn't have otherwise happened. Oh and my nails look lovely!

The law (traffic officers) helped create divine order.

Deja vue

Can I get in the witness protection program? Seriously! I am ready to remove this card from the deck. When I drew the card this morning I actually shouted "Oh c'mon", and Andy asked if I had gotten "that" card again. So even he was able to pick up on that. I am, again, divine witness.
So after I regrouped, I figured I might as well emberace this, as it seems that this is such an important lesson that I need to study it 3 times in one week.
It's hard to not be so...well I'll say it, pompous, judgemental and critical. It's been such a part of me for so long.
The hardest thing has been the self crticism and judgements. As harsh as I can be towards others, I am just as hard, if not harder on myself. If beating oneself up actually burned calories, I would be in much better shape.
I grew up with people who criticized "out of love". Much as I hated that, and still have very negative memories of that, I find that I do it as well. Sorry, I did it. I am doing my best to break that habit. I want positive thoughts and feeling to fill my life, and I want to be a positive light in the lives of others.
Today I am divine witness. I relate to myself and with others without judgement.

Universe, do I have it right yet?

Giving thanks

Today I am Divine Gratitude.

There are the obvious ones - roof over my head, food in my fridge, clothes on my back... so instead I want to concentrate on the more obscure reasons to give thanks.

I am thankful for a husband who will remove the cats from the bedroom and shut the door to let me sleep in.

I am thankful for sushi restaurants that deliver.

I am thankful for warm spring days that allow for the windows to be opened wide.

I am thankful for long distance phone plans so that I can spend hours on the phone with my family.

I am thankful that my being unemployed allows me the time to go visit and lend a hand to my sister, my 18 month old niece, and my newborn nephew.

I am thankful for lazy Sunday afternoons spent with my husband.

I am thankful for the remote control for my bedroom light.

I am thankful that Andy starts a new job tomorrow.

I am thankful that my husband pitches in with housework without nagging.

I am thankful for a good night sleep to be prepared for tomorrow's session with my trainer at the gym.

Probably won't be as thankful for that last one tomorrow.

First Duplication

As there are 52 cards, I know that the same card is going to come up eventually. I wasn't expecting it on day 3! I gotta learn to shuffle better.

So today I am again divine witness. Striving for my words and actions to be true witness to who I am, and trying to interact with those around me without judgement.

This morning we went to synagogue. We found a lovely little synagogue near our home. Okay, I think it is the only synagogue in our city, but still. It is a reform congregation who have been nothing but welcoming to this interfaith couple. The atmosphere reminds me very much of my church at home. Family oriented, the music is provided by members of the congregation, rather small congregation, open in both mind and spirit, and warm.
This morning there was a Bat Mitzvah. As I don't read, speak, or understand Hebrew, there are large sections of the service that I can't follow along. But the chanting nature of the service allowed me time to meditate and reflect. The feeling of joy and celebration was electrifying the air. I took deep breaths, drawing the energy inside and letting that feeling fill me.
I love the Jewish ceremonies and services that I get to observe. It was especially moving to see the young girl up at the front this morning with her family. The Torah was passed from her great-grandfather, to her grandmother, to her parents, and finally to her. It is meant to symbolize how the faith is passed from one generation to another. I love the feeling of connection that comes from the traditions.

The synagogue was packed with friends and family of the Bat Mitzvah. There were also two children who were very ill-behaved,. Definitely old enough to know better. Running up and down the aisles. The young boy would not keep his yarmulke on (again, old enough to know better - he was about 7 or 8. I don't mean a 2 year old), and was running up to the front where they were reading from the Torah (if you are male, you need to have your yarmulke on, especially if you are at the front). The parents were not doing anything to try to control the situation.
At one point Andy whispered to me "I don't like them either". I jotted a quick note to him - explaining that I am trying to interact with the world without judgement. I said that I was trying to remember what it was like to be a young child, at a long and sometimes boring service, that you don't understand. If all the family had come together for this event, the house was probably full of excitement, food, and maybe even a late night. There had been baskets of candy at the entrance - during the service we were to throw the candy at the Bat Mitzvah to symbolize this sweet time - I don't think all the candy made it to that part of the service.

The difference was obvious at the end. As we drove away, Andy complained about this family, stating that they had ruined the service for him. Without thinking, I replied "No, you're letting them ruin it for you".
Before, I would have let them ruin it for me to.

All that being said, had I acted like that, I would have been disintegrated by the Superman like red laser beam eye lights that my dad would have fixed upon me at the first sign of acting up. I'm just saying.

Not in the cards today...

Today I am Divine Peace......ppppppffffffffffffffffttttttttt.
Woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I woke up from a dream about my old place of work (I lost my job in November). Every person from whom I would run into oncoming traffic to avoid in real life was in the dream. Good times. I can't remember the exact details but there were lies being told about me. I do remember confronting one gentleman with a well placed knee to the, ah, goods, forcing him to say what was being said behind my back to my face. Absolutely no idea where that came from. Very unlike me.
I was actually very happy when I lost my job. I was MISERABLE there, but couldn't bring myself to get myself out. I had also seen it coming for a long time (just from other changes that were going on, not because I was a candidate for "world's worst employee"). When they asked me at "the meeting" if I needed a box for my personal effects, I let them know that I had a bottle of Lysol and a few pens...I thought I could manage.
What bugs me the most is that I can't control what might be said about me after I left. Now, just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean your not out to get me. I worry too much about what people think, I know.
That dream just put me in a pissy mood for the rest of the day. Poor Andy's isn't sure what to make of my mood today. At one point he demanded to know what my card for the day was....I wouldn't tell him because it was just too embarrassing. I guess he'll figure it out when he reads this.
But rather than than trying to push it to the corners of my mind, I made myself think about it. Here's what it comes down to: while I was happy to leave, I still hold a lot of resentment towards the company and some of the people there. I put up with a lot of crap, and gave everything that I had to them for 8 years. My spirit was squashed, trampled, spit upon and left to die there. I'm just now feeling like I've gotten myself back.
This resentment is keeping me from having peace in my life, at least on some fronts. I have to let it go...easier than said than done, but that's the plan.

So that' s the lesson from today. I wasn't able to embody peace, but I identified an area that I need to fix - I thought it was closed, but it obviously isn't. Finding what you don't have sometimes sheds more light than what you do have.

Can I get a witness?

I picked today's card with great anticipation - this will be the first card I blog about. What pearls of wisdom do I need to learn today. Maybe I should explain how I pick the card each day...I shuffle, while thinking "What do I need to know today?". Then I pick the one that finger sticks on as I fan them out.
So what will it be today? Love? Peace? Gratitude? Bring it on.
So today I am divine....Witness! Beg pardon? Huh? As my husband Andy would say "What the truck?".
So right off the bat, it doesn't register with me...am I supposed to testify? Luckily the cards come with a handy dandy little booklet with a little message for each of the qualities.
So to bear witness on an internal level is to have your words and actions reflect who you are. On an external level it is to hold those around you without judgement. Or at least this is how I am interpreting it today.
Right now, I am a work in progress...okay, we are all works in progress, but right now I am a DIY's dream in full on reno mode. So I am trying to....scratch that, I AM changing who I was to reflect who I want to be.
So today I paid attention to how I was presenting myself - what I said, how I acted, how I held myself. I smiled more. I held my tonuge more (I make lots of sarcastic little asides... I tried to keep those to myself). And today I felt happy. Not short term something happened and because of that I feel happy, but just an old fashioned case of the no reason happies. And it felt good.

I also joined Weight Watchers earlier this year, and today was weigh in day. I was up .8 pounds, but that is far less damage than I was anticipating....this was not a good "on program" week as we say. But I will tell you this, I do not regret one single thing I ate this week. As I waited to get on the scale, I wasn't thinking "Boy I really wish that I hadn't had....". Everything I ate this week that maybe wasn't a dieter's best friend, I was choosing to eat (really consciously, I do want to have this chosing to eat). I enjoyed every mouthful. Do I wish I had lost this week, of course, who wouldn't? But there was NO negative self talk. That was also a good feeling.

On another aside -what is with this weather? Jeez Louise! I thought the whole thing was April showers....Here it has been pissing rain since mid afternoon, Several bouts of scary rain, and while the sky is a normal rainy grey now, before it was that eerie green grey that makes you think that something just ain't right.

Wishing you sunny skies!

Desperately Seeking Sarah....

You know that feeling you get every now and then when you know *something* is missing? You check your keys, find your purse, fish the remote from behind the couch cushion, count your pets or kids, check your fingers and toes, but something still isn't sitting right...Then you realize that it's something inside that's missing. That's where I find myself from time to time, and look to different sources for the answer. I've turned to religion (I was baptized at 26, that didn't do it...I now attend synagogue on Saturdays with my husband, and while that is enjoyable, the beams of light have yet to come through the window, light be beautifully from behind while a choir of angels sing "Ahhhhhhh" in perfect harmony). I've turned to books. I've turned to the gym, to work, I'll try anything.
This year I stumbled across a course offered by Kimberly Carroll, called Soul Coaching. It's been an eye opener, and I have learned a lot about myself. I can feel pieces falling into place. The course introduced me to a set of affirmation cards called "I Am Divine", created by Barbara Burke. By (divine?) chance, I was destined to take this course with the author/illustrator as one of my journeymates (it is so much more than a course!). I purchased the cards, and am trying to diligently choose a card, and live by it daily.
I want to continue on this journey, but I know me....I need to answer to an outside force to help keep me on track....wait for the "ahhhhh" moment - Why not blog about it?

And so gentle reader, I have taken the first step in creating this blog. I hope that by keeping track of my journey it might add clarity. We'll see....but this might include non-divine, non soul growing rants - no guarantees - we're all entitled to bad days! But good or bad, each day has something to offer. Take the lemons, and make lemonade, or at least use them to garnish your Tom Collins.

Cheers!