divine despair

I have fallen off the wagon with a thud big enough to register on the richter scale. Forgive me readers, for I have lapsed. It's been about 6 weeks since my last posting.
I did draw cards, some days, not every day, but found it hard to bring it into my life. Irealize that I am in a catch 22. Scared to move forward, but afraid that I will find that life has passed me by. A lot of this has to do with the fear of looking for a job. I don't want to do customer service any more, but what if that's actually all I am cut out for? What if that is actually all I am able to do? I am completely customer serviced out. I no longer care. It's hard to be on the phone for 8 hours taking crap for things that are not your fault. Especially since I do take everything personally, if you tell me it was my fault, I will take the blame. I will actually feel guilty that a traffic accident on the other side of the country that resulted in a Purolator shipment to be delayed. What possible control do I have over that? But I will take the blame. I think the "joys" of the job came a few years back...my company had received a letter from Quebec, in French, and I was asked to translate. It was a letter to all window covering manufactuers regarding safety, and included the autopsy/death report for a 2 year old girl who strangled herself in her bed on the cords from the blinds. I read details that I could have done without. Then the next phone call is to complain that someone still doesn't have window coverings up in their spare bathroom. Really? Is that the important thing in all of this?
Anyway... the job search is causing great distress.
Doesn't help that it is now 2:38 am, and I am obviously wide awake...Andy is away on business, which plays havoc with my sleep schedule. I have a cold, and had counted on the medications I have been taking to knock me out. Tonight they have let me down. Maybe that's a good thing though. I have cough medicine with codine, which has made me hallucinate in the past. I took it yesterday - I woke up and fell asleep 3 times to the same dream. I was in the Victorian age, and was part of a book club. The book we read had a character who was a doctor, and one woman in the group was pissing me off, because she was taking this character as an actual person, and was refering to him as an expert. It was very bizarre. I don't do well when left to my own intellectual devices. It's scary up there.