Today I drew "I am divine sensuality". Again, the cards give a different interpretation than what initially comes to mind. My first thought was "is this going to be something I will be able to blog about in a forum that my parents and family read?".
Sensuality was stripped down to the bare bowns -actuallly paying attention to the senses. To listen, see, smell, touch and taste with intention.
The first place I went thisw morning was the gym....I decided not to focus on the smell sense. Not the best environment. But it certainly made my work out more agreeable to focus on the music.
My treat when I get home from the gym is to eat frozen grapes. I love the texture of frozen grapes. I am very much about the texture of food. My sister and I love to eat those sour cream and onion rings, but we like them when they are stale, which are chewier. When my sister comes, I buy them, and open them the day before so they'll be ready when she gets there.
I spent some time petting the cats, feeling their fur, feeling the vibration of the purr under my fingers. I think they were appreciative of the extra attention. As appreciative as cats are of the humans they own.
As I write this, Andy has fallen asleep, so the snoring has started. I do not intend to be divine sensualtiy with my listening skills. I intend to be divine "sleeping with a pillow over my head".
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Blogger, heal thyself
Today I am divine healer.
I am finding that often the cards don't mean what I think they will when I first see what my mission for the day is. Except divine witness. I know exactly what that means when I draw that card :)
I thought that divine healer would be about nuturing and repairing relationships. I was partly right, but it would appear that the relationship that I should most focus on is my relationship with myself.
Well, it makes sense, of all the relationships that I have neglected, ignored, or been most abusive about, that would indeed be the relationship that is in most dire need of healing.
I have had a huge about face in the past few weeks, rather than being my own worst enemy, I am trying to become my own best friend. It requires a huge shift in thinking, and I am worried the about the first time this gets put to the test. Recentlly, my life seems to be going along tickety-boo, and I haven't had any major upheavals that might start the negative self-talk. But for now, I think I have been mending some rather large fences.
The decluttering was a little derailed today, but we still managed to get a lot done yesterday, so IU'll take it. Rome wasn't build in a day, our house won't be decluttered in a day.
I am hoping for this decade though. Or by the end of the next, at the latest.
I am finding that often the cards don't mean what I think they will when I first see what my mission for the day is. Except divine witness. I know exactly what that means when I draw that card :)
I thought that divine healer would be about nuturing and repairing relationships. I was partly right, but it would appear that the relationship that I should most focus on is my relationship with myself.
Well, it makes sense, of all the relationships that I have neglected, ignored, or been most abusive about, that would indeed be the relationship that is in most dire need of healing.
I have had a huge about face in the past few weeks, rather than being my own worst enemy, I am trying to become my own best friend. It requires a huge shift in thinking, and I am worried the about the first time this gets put to the test. Recentlly, my life seems to be going along tickety-boo, and I haven't had any major upheavals that might start the negative self-talk. But for now, I think I have been mending some rather large fences.
The decluttering was a little derailed today, but we still managed to get a lot done yesterday, so IU'll take it. Rome wasn't build in a day, our house won't be decluttered in a day.
I am hoping for this decade though. Or by the end of the next, at the latest.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Picking your battles
Today I drew the card "divine acceptance". To accept what is, in that moment. Today it became clear that this was a reminder for me to pick my battles.
I am struggling, as I suppose many women do, with finding that delicate balance between doormat and bitch. Add in a day where you are just plain ornery.
We spent the morning cleaning out the basement - a continuation of last weekends major garage overhaul. This was successful in terms of getting things accomplished, but not as successful as last weekend as far as keeping a positive atmosphere amongst the workers (hubby and I). He kept putting stuff in the keep box, and I couldn't understand why he was keeping what I would consider junk. Then came the bookshelves...as book enthusiasts, we have quite the library. But as much as I don't like getting rid of books, I am getting better at looking at books thinking "I hated that book and will never read it again, get rid of it." Even books that I had gotten as a child (with happy birthday or merry christmas in the cover), but did not read. If I didn't read them then, I most likely won't read them now.
Andy seems more reluctant to weed out the library. I think we have more books on military history and tactics than any military library.
So the first key was to not be judgemental, which was getting difficult. The second key was to just accept that this is how it was meant to be. Pick my battles. Realizing that in the heat of the moment, it wasn't the time to press the issue.
The afternoon redeemed the morning. The Weight Watcher's I attend recently moved buildings, and today was their official "grand opening". Had a great afternoon with a group of women who are quickly becoming friends.
After the reception (which included cake - at weight watchers!) Andy decided to run a few errands in the same mall. One of the women suggested that we go for coffee while he did his errands. A great hour of good companionship. What more can you ask for? Plus the afternoon out and the additional company cleared the stressful atmosphere of the house, so all is quiet on the homefront.
Til tomorrow, when the decluttering continues :)
I am struggling, as I suppose many women do, with finding that delicate balance between doormat and bitch. Add in a day where you are just plain ornery.
We spent the morning cleaning out the basement - a continuation of last weekends major garage overhaul. This was successful in terms of getting things accomplished, but not as successful as last weekend as far as keeping a positive atmosphere amongst the workers (hubby and I). He kept putting stuff in the keep box, and I couldn't understand why he was keeping what I would consider junk. Then came the bookshelves...as book enthusiasts, we have quite the library. But as much as I don't like getting rid of books, I am getting better at looking at books thinking "I hated that book and will never read it again, get rid of it." Even books that I had gotten as a child (with happy birthday or merry christmas in the cover), but did not read. If I didn't read them then, I most likely won't read them now.
Andy seems more reluctant to weed out the library. I think we have more books on military history and tactics than any military library.
So the first key was to not be judgemental, which was getting difficult. The second key was to just accept that this is how it was meant to be. Pick my battles. Realizing that in the heat of the moment, it wasn't the time to press the issue.
The afternoon redeemed the morning. The Weight Watcher's I attend recently moved buildings, and today was their official "grand opening". Had a great afternoon with a group of women who are quickly becoming friends.
After the reception (which included cake - at weight watchers!) Andy decided to run a few errands in the same mall. One of the women suggested that we go for coffee while he did his errands. A great hour of good companionship. What more can you ask for? Plus the afternoon out and the additional company cleared the stressful atmosphere of the house, so all is quiet on the homefront.
Til tomorrow, when the decluttering continues :)
Friday, May 28, 2010
Happy Birthday, happy day
I spent the day with my family today. A good day for divine relationship.
It was my middle sister's birthday, so my mom, both my sisters and I went out for lunch (we were accompanied by my nephew, but at 13 days he had little to add to the conversation).
It was a good day to reflect on family, especially where we were. We went to a potter's workshop that we have frequented for years. It has become a tradition when you get married, you get pieces of this pottery (this includes my cousins). One of the sources of inspiration for this potter are pieces of pottery that were made by my great-great grandfather. The potter knows of our family connection to the pieces. Over the years, my sister has become better acquainted with this potter, and when he saw her, he let her know that he had just gotten 2 new pieces of g-g-grandpa's pottery, and brought them out to show. On the bottom of one of the pieces, g-g-grandpa had wiped the glaze away, leaving his fingerprints. We were able to get a picture of my nephew's tiny newborn hand touching the finger prints of his great-great-great-grandfather. A 6 generation span actually touching, in a manner of speaking.
So a lovely day spent visiting, with a opportunity to reflecton on generations past, present and future.
Happy Birthday, B.
It was my middle sister's birthday, so my mom, both my sisters and I went out for lunch (we were accompanied by my nephew, but at 13 days he had little to add to the conversation).
It was a good day to reflect on family, especially where we were. We went to a potter's workshop that we have frequented for years. It has become a tradition when you get married, you get pieces of this pottery (this includes my cousins). One of the sources of inspiration for this potter are pieces of pottery that were made by my great-great grandfather. The potter knows of our family connection to the pieces. Over the years, my sister has become better acquainted with this potter, and when he saw her, he let her know that he had just gotten 2 new pieces of g-g-grandpa's pottery, and brought them out to show. On the bottom of one of the pieces, g-g-grandpa had wiped the glaze away, leaving his fingerprints. We were able to get a picture of my nephew's tiny newborn hand touching the finger prints of his great-great-great-grandfather. A 6 generation span actually touching, in a manner of speaking.
So a lovely day spent visiting, with a opportunity to reflecton on generations past, present and future.
Happy Birthday, B.
I am divine beauty. Looking for beauty in all around me. Definitely easy to find the beauty in the huge thunderstorm today...wow, Mother Nature is a force to be reckoned with. I love watching waves of rain move across the ground.
We were out, and in a store when the storm started. No one was brave enough to leave. There were moments that you couldn't see the cars in the lot, a mere few feet away. After 20 minutes, we decided to make a run for it. Oh, we were soaked. The front dash of the car was soaked just from opening the door to get in.
When the rain stopped, and it started to clear, you could see the good that was done. Flowers had perked up, the lawn looked better. Everything looked clean.
Today was my Weight Watcher's meeting (down 1.2, woo hoo!). Our meeting leader asked us to share things that have changed since we had stared our weight loss journey. I mentioned that I see better mobility, how I was able to play on the ground with my niece, and get back up no problem.
My leader thanked me. She said that almost made her cry. She said the changes she has seen in me have been amazing, and that she hoped I can see how beautiful I am. She hopes I can see the self confidence that I project. She said a bunch of other nice things about me.
It was hard for me to sit there and hear it. I have never accepted compliments well. But I didn't shoot the comments down, I didn't make some joke to discredit the compliments. Not even in my head. I heard what she was saying, and said thank you. That was difficult, drowning out the negative voices in my head, but I did it. That's a first for me.
Times they are a changin'.
We were out, and in a store when the storm started. No one was brave enough to leave. There were moments that you couldn't see the cars in the lot, a mere few feet away. After 20 minutes, we decided to make a run for it. Oh, we were soaked. The front dash of the car was soaked just from opening the door to get in.
When the rain stopped, and it started to clear, you could see the good that was done. Flowers had perked up, the lawn looked better. Everything looked clean.
Today was my Weight Watcher's meeting (down 1.2, woo hoo!). Our meeting leader asked us to share things that have changed since we had stared our weight loss journey. I mentioned that I see better mobility, how I was able to play on the ground with my niece, and get back up no problem.
My leader thanked me. She said that almost made her cry. She said the changes she has seen in me have been amazing, and that she hoped I can see how beautiful I am. She hopes I can see the self confidence that I project. She said a bunch of other nice things about me.
It was hard for me to sit there and hear it. I have never accepted compliments well. But I didn't shoot the comments down, I didn't make some joke to discredit the compliments. Not even in my head. I heard what she was saying, and said thank you. That was difficult, drowning out the negative voices in my head, but I did it. That's a first for me.
Times they are a changin'.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Body divine
Today I am divine body. To marvel at everything our...my...body can do.
Today I had a session with my trainer. When I lost my job, Andy and I discussed it, and we decided that I could take some time off to take care of myself. That included starting to go to the gym, and starting to work with a personal trainer. I am overweight. I had lost my body. I don't mean (or just mean) my shape, I mean my body. I couldn't do things I used to. If I got down on the floor, I had to think about how I was going to get back up. I couldn't always move the way I wanted to. I have lost weight, and I have started to reclaim my body. I noticed it last week when I was playing with my niece, that I was getting down on the floor and back up with little thought or effort. Today when I was working out, I noticed that I can run longer (I still hate running though), my strength has increased, my endurance has increased.
If you ever are taking for granted what your body does, look around you. There are those who are physically handicapped, and perhaps have never known what it is to have a body that moves and responds without consious thought. Watch a toddler who is just mastering their motor skills. and for whom every act (even just getting the Cheerio in their mouth) is a deliberate and complicated task. Talk to someone who has recently hurt their back - movements that you take for granted all of a sudden take a lot of planning and thought.
However, while I appreciate this is what it takes, and I know this is what has to happen, I will admit that I am a sore and exhausted divine body, and am ready for exquisite and healing sleep.
Today I had a session with my trainer. When I lost my job, Andy and I discussed it, and we decided that I could take some time off to take care of myself. That included starting to go to the gym, and starting to work with a personal trainer. I am overweight. I had lost my body. I don't mean (or just mean) my shape, I mean my body. I couldn't do things I used to. If I got down on the floor, I had to think about how I was going to get back up. I couldn't always move the way I wanted to. I have lost weight, and I have started to reclaim my body. I noticed it last week when I was playing with my niece, that I was getting down on the floor and back up with little thought or effort. Today when I was working out, I noticed that I can run longer (I still hate running though), my strength has increased, my endurance has increased.
If you ever are taking for granted what your body does, look around you. There are those who are physically handicapped, and perhaps have never known what it is to have a body that moves and responds without consious thought. Watch a toddler who is just mastering their motor skills. and for whom every act (even just getting the Cheerio in their mouth) is a deliberate and complicated task. Talk to someone who has recently hurt their back - movements that you take for granted all of a sudden take a lot of planning and thought.
However, while I appreciate this is what it takes, and I know this is what has to happen, I will admit that I am a sore and exhausted divine body, and am ready for exquisite and healing sleep.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
So I knew this one....
...because I know everything. What I don't know, I just make up. Say it with enough conviction and they'll believe you anyway.
Today, I am divine consciousness. When I read the words " I am all knowing, I am all wisdom", I almost showed it to Andy and said "see, told ya..."
I'm just kidding - I do act like a "know it all", but I know I'm just a "know it some".
Today was to focus on all things being connected. I guess along the lines of a butterfly's wings creating a storm on the other side of the world. I guess I lost focus today and didn't think about this too much. I guess it's a bit of a catch 22. Because I am home alone during the day, I sometimes lose focus as I don't encounter a lot of opportunities to put these daily suggestions to the test On the other hand, if I were at work, it would be easy to get caught up in situations and completely forget the mission for the day.
Knowing my relationship with these cards, I feel safe in saying that I'm sure I will have opportunities to practice this again. Maybe that's my divine consciousness kicking in.
Today, I am divine consciousness. When I read the words " I am all knowing, I am all wisdom", I almost showed it to Andy and said "see, told ya..."
I'm just kidding - I do act like a "know it all", but I know I'm just a "know it some".
Today was to focus on all things being connected. I guess along the lines of a butterfly's wings creating a storm on the other side of the world. I guess I lost focus today and didn't think about this too much. I guess it's a bit of a catch 22. Because I am home alone during the day, I sometimes lose focus as I don't encounter a lot of opportunities to put these daily suggestions to the test On the other hand, if I were at work, it would be easy to get caught up in situations and completely forget the mission for the day.
Knowing my relationship with these cards, I feel safe in saying that I'm sure I will have opportunities to practice this again. Maybe that's my divine consciousness kicking in.
I am Divine Creator
You reap what you sow. That's the message that I am getting from today's card. I am Divine Creator.
If you live in chaos, you create chaos, if you live in order, you create order, if you live in love, you create love.
Yesterday, we made the final push through the garage. It is still full of boxes, but I know what's in the boxes. Some of the boxes are designated for garage sale (that's in 2 weeks....after that, if the stuff doesn't sell, it will go to Value Villiage, or some similar organization). The rest of the boxes need to be reorganized - either the stuff put away in the house, or grouped together (like Christmas ornaments) and stored.
I want order, light and love in my life. To invite this into my life, I need to make room for it. While the next card might not be "I am Divine Creator" (though, the way I pull cards, it might just very well be), I want to keep the momentum for this going.
If you live in chaos, you create chaos, if you live in order, you create order, if you live in love, you create love.
Yesterday, we made the final push through the garage. It is still full of boxes, but I know what's in the boxes. Some of the boxes are designated for garage sale (that's in 2 weeks....after that, if the stuff doesn't sell, it will go to Value Villiage, or some similar organization). The rest of the boxes need to be reorganized - either the stuff put away in the house, or grouped together (like Christmas ornaments) and stored.
I want order, light and love in my life. To invite this into my life, I need to make room for it. While the next card might not be "I am Divine Creator" (though, the way I pull cards, it might just very well be), I want to keep the momentum for this going.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Patterns
These cards are establishing a pattern all on their own. Neat and scary at the same time. Second Sunday, second Sunday of Divine Gratitude. I guess if I am not going to incorporate organized religion into my Sundays, the Universe would like to make sure that I take a moment to give thanks. So again, beyond the obvious food, shelter, clothes, etc
While I am embarrassed by the amount of JUNK that we are cleaning out of the garage, I am thankful that we are in a position to have junk to get rid of. That doesn't mean that I don't intend to seriously reduce our consumerism, but it's nice to know that I have what I need (and then some).
I am grateful that summer weather is here. I am not a snow bunny. I hate the cold. Do much better in the heat (and if my sister is reading this, I know, I know, it's too hot for you!).
I am thankful for my circle of friends and family. No matter how small or big it is, it's mine.
I am grateful for e-mails. Nice to make near instant contact with people. Or to be able to drop a message for someone, and allow them to reply at their own pace.
I am grateful that our house backs onto a ravine and parkland. I love having nature in my backyard.
While I am not currently working, so it shouldn't really make a differece, I am grateful for 3 day weekends. Especially when there is nice weather.
I am grateful for opportunities to stretch my creative wings.
I am grateful for peaceful cats sleeping at my feet. The picture of peace and contentment.
I am grateful for stumbling on good movies on TV.
I am grateful for future family events. That gives me lots to look forward to, and another opportunity to be grateful for my family - the one that I was born into, and the family that has joined along the journey.
Peaceful slumber everyone.
While I am embarrassed by the amount of JUNK that we are cleaning out of the garage, I am thankful that we are in a position to have junk to get rid of. That doesn't mean that I don't intend to seriously reduce our consumerism, but it's nice to know that I have what I need (and then some).
I am grateful that summer weather is here. I am not a snow bunny. I hate the cold. Do much better in the heat (and if my sister is reading this, I know, I know, it's too hot for you!).
I am thankful for my circle of friends and family. No matter how small or big it is, it's mine.
I am grateful for e-mails. Nice to make near instant contact with people. Or to be able to drop a message for someone, and allow them to reply at their own pace.
I am grateful that our house backs onto a ravine and parkland. I love having nature in my backyard.
While I am not currently working, so it shouldn't really make a differece, I am grateful for 3 day weekends. Especially when there is nice weather.
I am grateful for opportunities to stretch my creative wings.
I am grateful for peaceful cats sleeping at my feet. The picture of peace and contentment.
I am grateful for stumbling on good movies on TV.
I am grateful for future family events. That gives me lots to look forward to, and another opportunity to be grateful for my family - the one that I was born into, and the family that has joined along the journey.
Peaceful slumber everyone.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
The universe knows....
Maybe I should write in code...it seems like the universe is spying on me.
Or at least, as I ask the universe what it needs to tell me on a daily basis, it is freaking me out when it's spot on.
Today I am divine focus.
Today is the day we had planned to start tackling the garage.
Coincidence? Apparently not.
With divine focus, I am to focus on the task at hand, and persevere. I have been wanting to get the garage sorted out for almost 2 years now. When we first moved in, everything we didn't have a place for went in the garage. We were here for 8 months, parking one car in the driveway. and one car in the overflow parking for our condo complex.
Last May/June Andy managed to get the garage sorted, in that he bought lots of bins, and put everything into bins, and stacked the bins on either side of the garage. Only one car fits in there comfortably and still allows the driver to open the door and get out.
Today, we went through 12 boxes. Now we have 4 boxes that are keep, and 4 that are designated for garage sale. The rest was garbage. I was ruthless in getting rid of stuff. A lot of it is easy though if you think "I forgot we even owned this, and it has been sitting in the garage for 2 years without us ever thinking of it...". Our townhouse complex has a big joint garage sale every year. This year I will be prepared.
I'm surprised that the afternoon went so well. We worked for 4 hours straight. For us, we usually get side tracked, or start arguing, or get caught up in some minute aspect and lose sight of the bigger picture. This afternoon, we moved efficiently, respectfully, and determinedly through the boxes. And I am quite pleased with the results. It doesn't look much different right now, because the boxes we are going to keep are still in the garage until we can systematically organize what is in them, and the boxes for the garage sale are still in there until the garage sale, but we know which is which, and we know that these boxes will disappear from the garage over the next few weeks.
The universe knew I needed to be reminded to focus.
Shhhh....it's listening.
This blog will self destruct in 10 seconds....
Or at least, as I ask the universe what it needs to tell me on a daily basis, it is freaking me out when it's spot on.
Today I am divine focus.
Today is the day we had planned to start tackling the garage.
Coincidence? Apparently not.
With divine focus, I am to focus on the task at hand, and persevere. I have been wanting to get the garage sorted out for almost 2 years now. When we first moved in, everything we didn't have a place for went in the garage. We were here for 8 months, parking one car in the driveway. and one car in the overflow parking for our condo complex.
Last May/June Andy managed to get the garage sorted, in that he bought lots of bins, and put everything into bins, and stacked the bins on either side of the garage. Only one car fits in there comfortably and still allows the driver to open the door and get out.
Today, we went through 12 boxes. Now we have 4 boxes that are keep, and 4 that are designated for garage sale. The rest was garbage. I was ruthless in getting rid of stuff. A lot of it is easy though if you think "I forgot we even owned this, and it has been sitting in the garage for 2 years without us ever thinking of it...". Our townhouse complex has a big joint garage sale every year. This year I will be prepared.
I'm surprised that the afternoon went so well. We worked for 4 hours straight. For us, we usually get side tracked, or start arguing, or get caught up in some minute aspect and lose sight of the bigger picture. This afternoon, we moved efficiently, respectfully, and determinedly through the boxes. And I am quite pleased with the results. It doesn't look much different right now, because the boxes we are going to keep are still in the garage until we can systematically organize what is in them, and the boxes for the garage sale are still in there until the garage sale, but we know which is which, and we know that these boxes will disappear from the garage over the next few weeks.
The universe knew I needed to be reminded to focus.
Shhhh....it's listening.
This blog will self destruct in 10 seconds....
Friday, May 21, 2010
Counting cards
It is official.
My pack of cards holds a total of 52 cards. They are all different. I went through the pack, card by card.
Granted, I am 2 days without being divine witness. Insert "woo hoo" here. Not that I am not grateful for the message it brings, I just like new challenges. I was never big on practicing.
However, for the 2nd day in a row, I am divine relationship.
Funny thing is that today was a quiet day. The only people I've seen today are myself and Andy.
Funny thing number 2, these are the 2 people I am probably the most critical and judgemental towards.
I forget sometimes that I do indeed need to count myself when thinking of the people with whom I have a relationship.
In the past, I treated myself worse than I would treat my worst enemy. Said nasty things, and very harsh. That is IN THE PAST! I've started treating myself as I should treat myself. As a friend, not an enemy.
Sometimes the lesson I figure out at the end of the day isn't what I envisioned in the morning when I draw the card.
My pack of cards holds a total of 52 cards. They are all different. I went through the pack, card by card.
Granted, I am 2 days without being divine witness. Insert "woo hoo" here. Not that I am not grateful for the message it brings, I just like new challenges. I was never big on practicing.
However, for the 2nd day in a row, I am divine relationship.
Funny thing is that today was a quiet day. The only people I've seen today are myself and Andy.
Funny thing number 2, these are the 2 people I am probably the most critical and judgemental towards.
I forget sometimes that I do indeed need to count myself when thinking of the people with whom I have a relationship.
In the past, I treated myself worse than I would treat my worst enemy. Said nasty things, and very harsh. That is IN THE PAST! I've started treating myself as I should treat myself. As a friend, not an enemy.
Sometimes the lesson I figure out at the end of the day isn't what I envisioned in the morning when I draw the card.
It's all relative
Yesterday, I was divine relationship.
It couldn't have come on a more opportune day. Yesterday I had offered to go see my sister and give her a hand. Her daughter is 18 months, and she just had a new baby (a boy) 2 weeks ago. Her hands are a little full.
I had done this after my niece was born - taken a day off here and there to go help. I always envision my sister sitting with a cup of tea, just relaxing, or even grbbing a quick nap, while I do dishes, or fold laundry, or mop the floor. or what have you. What always winds up happening is that I play with the kid(s), while my sister does the aforementioned chores. I always feel like I am not doing anything useful while. My sister argues that taking care of the kids is a gift so she can clean without interruption. I get to play with my niece and hold my nephew, so I am not going to complain.
This blog is late. Holding the newborn I can handle. Playing with a toddler is new for me. I fell asleep before I could even think of writing last night.
We also went to visit my grandmother yesterday. My sister wanted to introduce the baby, but needed an extra set of hands for the operation. Aunt Ceci to the rescue. My grandmother is 92 (she will be 93 in June!), and had to move into a nursing home 3 years ago due to declining physical health. She lives about 2 hours away from me, so I don't go as often as I should, or as I would like to.
As yesterday was Thursday, my parents came to the home. Every Thursday my parents visit my grandmother (they live about an hour away). and bring dinner and stay with my grandma. They have a family dinner, and I think my dad enjoys coming up with different ideas. Everytime my grandmother mentions some sort of craving, even in passing, he tries to accomodate it. They've had full roast beef dinners, hamburgers and french fries (my dad even made extra small patties and found tiny buns, so the portions would be okay for grandma), even Tacos from Taco Bell! My mom spends every Thursday morning chopping up a green salad ( I never knew it was possible to chop lettuce, carrots, celery, tomatos, etc... into such tiny pieces) so grandma can eat it. and of course the hightlight of the evening is dessert. Grandma lights up like a little kid.
Dad also brings other things - extra bread, some ham sandwiches, some cheese, extra portions of desserts, so that Grandma can have treats for lunch the next day as well.
While my parents are only able to make it once a week (and a it wasn't that long ago that these weekly visits were maintained through my mom's chemo treatments and endless Dr's appointments), my aunts (who both live about 10 minutes from the nursing home), take turns going every night to help my grandma get ready for bed. It's sad to think that there are residents in that home who may not have had a visitor in weeks, months, or ever (and that isn't a judgement, not everyone has the time, or proximity) and my grandma has not had a single day without a visitor.
Grandma apologizes for taking everyone's time, but everyone wants to do this for her. From what I have seen, there is no sense of "I'm doing this because I owe it to the woman who gave me life". It is a genuine action out of love. May we all be so luck to generate such love in our relationships.
Being surrounded with all these people yesterday made it very easy to be in my relationships.
Exhausting, but easy!
It couldn't have come on a more opportune day. Yesterday I had offered to go see my sister and give her a hand. Her daughter is 18 months, and she just had a new baby (a boy) 2 weeks ago. Her hands are a little full.
I had done this after my niece was born - taken a day off here and there to go help. I always envision my sister sitting with a cup of tea, just relaxing, or even grbbing a quick nap, while I do dishes, or fold laundry, or mop the floor. or what have you. What always winds up happening is that I play with the kid(s), while my sister does the aforementioned chores. I always feel like I am not doing anything useful while. My sister argues that taking care of the kids is a gift so she can clean without interruption. I get to play with my niece and hold my nephew, so I am not going to complain.
This blog is late. Holding the newborn I can handle. Playing with a toddler is new for me. I fell asleep before I could even think of writing last night.
We also went to visit my grandmother yesterday. My sister wanted to introduce the baby, but needed an extra set of hands for the operation. Aunt Ceci to the rescue. My grandmother is 92 (she will be 93 in June!), and had to move into a nursing home 3 years ago due to declining physical health. She lives about 2 hours away from me, so I don't go as often as I should, or as I would like to.
As yesterday was Thursday, my parents came to the home. Every Thursday my parents visit my grandmother (they live about an hour away). and bring dinner and stay with my grandma. They have a family dinner, and I think my dad enjoys coming up with different ideas. Everytime my grandmother mentions some sort of craving, even in passing, he tries to accomodate it. They've had full roast beef dinners, hamburgers and french fries (my dad even made extra small patties and found tiny buns, so the portions would be okay for grandma), even Tacos from Taco Bell! My mom spends every Thursday morning chopping up a green salad ( I never knew it was possible to chop lettuce, carrots, celery, tomatos, etc... into such tiny pieces) so grandma can eat it. and of course the hightlight of the evening is dessert. Grandma lights up like a little kid.
Dad also brings other things - extra bread, some ham sandwiches, some cheese, extra portions of desserts, so that Grandma can have treats for lunch the next day as well.
While my parents are only able to make it once a week (and a it wasn't that long ago that these weekly visits were maintained through my mom's chemo treatments and endless Dr's appointments), my aunts (who both live about 10 minutes from the nursing home), take turns going every night to help my grandma get ready for bed. It's sad to think that there are residents in that home who may not have had a visitor in weeks, months, or ever (and that isn't a judgement, not everyone has the time, or proximity) and my grandma has not had a single day without a visitor.
Grandma apologizes for taking everyone's time, but everyone wants to do this for her. From what I have seen, there is no sense of "I'm doing this because I owe it to the woman who gave me life". It is a genuine action out of love. May we all be so luck to generate such love in our relationships.
Being surrounded with all these people yesterday made it very easy to be in my relationships.
Exhausting, but easy!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Impeccable witness
Since I didn't get the card yesterday, that means that today (again!) I am divine witness. Maybe if I had been practicing this for some time, I could just greet Sir Witness as a good old friend, but as this is new for me, and I am impatient, I want to explore new things, not revisit the same thing time and again.
I e-mailed Barbara (the divine creator of the cards) suggesting my cards were somehow broken. Her response to me was what do I think the message is?
My first struggle with this is how do you have negative feelings without judgement? They are going to exist. Those kids at synagogue were annoying. Today whilst Andy was navigating the downtown Toronto traffic that scares the everliving daylights out of me, I noted several cyclists who were not obeying the laws of the road. I support cyclists and their right to be on the road. However, the cyclists I saw today were not using hand signals, were running red lights, and one ran a red light and almost hit 2 pedestrians who were crossing with their light. I wonder if these same cyclists rant about insensitive drivers? So I can not pass judgement, that was actually the easy part. It was wrestling with the fact that I was feeling annoyed that had me stuck.
I asked Kimberly (my soul coach), and Barbara as I saw them both tonight. It comes down to this (if I am understanding it properly). The feeling of being annoyed, or frustrated, or what have you will come - it's the decision if you will let it consume you or deplete your energy that is really the focus.
When I get a mosquito bite - I feel frustrated - it's itchy, irritating, and an annoyance. But I don't sit there cursing and damning mosquitos to hell. The negative feelings are fleeting. (Mosquitos buzzing in my ear at 2 am are a different story though...).
So it is the option - do I allow the negative feeling to take up valuable space in my mind or not? And if the answer is yes, does it have a useful outlet? In the instance of the cyclists, if it is going to be that big of an issue, what do I intend to do with this? Write a letter to the editor? Write some organization? As I say to Andy when he is hemming and hawing about a decision - "shit or get off the pot". Either do something constructive with the negative emotion, or let it go.
Tonight at my Soul Coaching session (the last one *sob*) we drew cards from a different deck of affirmation cards. I got "Impeccability". Guess what? It was just another word for "Witness". The meaning of the card was to have your words, thoughts, and deeds reflect who you are. There is no escape for me.
So WHY do I keep getting this message - I think I have figured it out. This whole "being positive" thing is new for me. When I was in high school, our graduating year, the year book had a section for us to put the "Most likely to..."s. Mine was censored by the staff advisors, as they thought it was mean, but it was true. My friends had put that I was "most likely to start pessimists anonymous".
I do not want to, nor do I intend to fall into my old patterns. I think that I am getting this card every other day to help keep me on the path that I want to follow. The universe is allowing me one day to explore other realms of the divine, but then brings me back to divine witness as a reminder of who I have become.
But tomorrow I am going to count the cards and make sure that I only have ONE "divine witness".
I e-mailed Barbara (the divine creator of the cards) suggesting my cards were somehow broken. Her response to me was what do I think the message is?
My first struggle with this is how do you have negative feelings without judgement? They are going to exist. Those kids at synagogue were annoying. Today whilst Andy was navigating the downtown Toronto traffic that scares the everliving daylights out of me, I noted several cyclists who were not obeying the laws of the road. I support cyclists and their right to be on the road. However, the cyclists I saw today were not using hand signals, were running red lights, and one ran a red light and almost hit 2 pedestrians who were crossing with their light. I wonder if these same cyclists rant about insensitive drivers? So I can not pass judgement, that was actually the easy part. It was wrestling with the fact that I was feeling annoyed that had me stuck.
I asked Kimberly (my soul coach), and Barbara as I saw them both tonight. It comes down to this (if I am understanding it properly). The feeling of being annoyed, or frustrated, or what have you will come - it's the decision if you will let it consume you or deplete your energy that is really the focus.
When I get a mosquito bite - I feel frustrated - it's itchy, irritating, and an annoyance. But I don't sit there cursing and damning mosquitos to hell. The negative feelings are fleeting. (Mosquitos buzzing in my ear at 2 am are a different story though...).
So it is the option - do I allow the negative feeling to take up valuable space in my mind or not? And if the answer is yes, does it have a useful outlet? In the instance of the cyclists, if it is going to be that big of an issue, what do I intend to do with this? Write a letter to the editor? Write some organization? As I say to Andy when he is hemming and hawing about a decision - "shit or get off the pot". Either do something constructive with the negative emotion, or let it go.
Tonight at my Soul Coaching session (the last one *sob*) we drew cards from a different deck of affirmation cards. I got "Impeccability". Guess what? It was just another word for "Witness". The meaning of the card was to have your words, thoughts, and deeds reflect who you are. There is no escape for me.
So WHY do I keep getting this message - I think I have figured it out. This whole "being positive" thing is new for me. When I was in high school, our graduating year, the year book had a section for us to put the "Most likely to..."s. Mine was censored by the staff advisors, as they thought it was mean, but it was true. My friends had put that I was "most likely to start pessimists anonymous".
I do not want to, nor do I intend to fall into my old patterns. I think that I am getting this card every other day to help keep me on the path that I want to follow. The universe is allowing me one day to explore other realms of the divine, but then brings me back to divine witness as a reminder of who I have become.
But tomorrow I am going to count the cards and make sure that I only have ONE "divine witness".
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Law and order
Today I am divine order. Between witness and order, and (not) being judgemental, I am almost the whole justice system by myself :)
Divine order scared me at first, just seeing the word. I was picturing a day of decluttering and cleaning. I am very organized in my mind. It just doesn't translate too well into the actual world. I spend too much time planning and not much time doing. I am the Queen (I'll pause now as you bow in my presence) of buying cards (Christmas, Birthday, you name it). getting them written, addressed, stamped....and then not getting them in the mail. I love finding cards for people, I actually enjoy writing the holiday cards. I normally have these things well in advance. Then I think...I can't send this now, it's too early. I'll just get these done and ready to go. Then my next thought is, well if I send this now, it will get there 3 days late. No one will believe I had it ahead of time. As I write this, I still have my grandmother's Mother's day card on my dresser. Almost 2 weeks after the fact.
Divine order had nothing to do with that. Divine order is allowing the universe to unfold at it's pace, and accepting that things happen the way they are supposed to. Is it really a coincidence, or is it a plan bigger than your own vision coming to fruition?
Today I had errands to run, and in the back of my mind there was the fact I needed to get my nails done (and if my mom reads this, I know they aren't really my nails, but at least I can't bite these ones....). Then I decided that I would just go home. So I turned down the street to head home, and find that the next intesection has been closed by the police (for construction, nothing horrific). So I have to turn to go up to the next major street. Due to other construction, and the traffic being diverged, the next major interection was a mess, and I figured, hey just turn right, get out of this, and just get your nails done.
While I was sitting there, a girl I used to work with walked in. I hadn't seen her for almost a year (she left before I did). We had a really nice chat, and it was lovely to not have it filled with the negative work talk that would have existed if we were both still there. I got her contact info, and she suggested that we should get together sometime.
I am going to take her up on that. In the past, I would have though "Oh, she's just being polite." I am going to keep in touch with her. We'll see where this goes.
As we were catching up, she mentioned that another former colleague of ours had recently lost her father. I took the opportunity tonight to give her a call and offer my belated condolences. She seemed a little surprised to hear from me, but I think she appreciated that I called.
So a chance meeting and a phone call that wouldn't have otherwise happened. Oh and my nails look lovely!
The law (traffic officers) helped create divine order.
Divine order scared me at first, just seeing the word. I was picturing a day of decluttering and cleaning. I am very organized in my mind. It just doesn't translate too well into the actual world. I spend too much time planning and not much time doing. I am the Queen (I'll pause now as you bow in my presence) of buying cards (Christmas, Birthday, you name it). getting them written, addressed, stamped....and then not getting them in the mail. I love finding cards for people, I actually enjoy writing the holiday cards. I normally have these things well in advance. Then I think...I can't send this now, it's too early. I'll just get these done and ready to go. Then my next thought is, well if I send this now, it will get there 3 days late. No one will believe I had it ahead of time. As I write this, I still have my grandmother's Mother's day card on my dresser. Almost 2 weeks after the fact.
Divine order had nothing to do with that. Divine order is allowing the universe to unfold at it's pace, and accepting that things happen the way they are supposed to. Is it really a coincidence, or is it a plan bigger than your own vision coming to fruition?
Today I had errands to run, and in the back of my mind there was the fact I needed to get my nails done (and if my mom reads this, I know they aren't really my nails, but at least I can't bite these ones....). Then I decided that I would just go home. So I turned down the street to head home, and find that the next intesection has been closed by the police (for construction, nothing horrific). So I have to turn to go up to the next major street. Due to other construction, and the traffic being diverged, the next major interection was a mess, and I figured, hey just turn right, get out of this, and just get your nails done.
While I was sitting there, a girl I used to work with walked in. I hadn't seen her for almost a year (she left before I did). We had a really nice chat, and it was lovely to not have it filled with the negative work talk that would have existed if we were both still there. I got her contact info, and she suggested that we should get together sometime.
I am going to take her up on that. In the past, I would have though "Oh, she's just being polite." I am going to keep in touch with her. We'll see where this goes.
As we were catching up, she mentioned that another former colleague of ours had recently lost her father. I took the opportunity tonight to give her a call and offer my belated condolences. She seemed a little surprised to hear from me, but I think she appreciated that I called.
So a chance meeting and a phone call that wouldn't have otherwise happened. Oh and my nails look lovely!
The law (traffic officers) helped create divine order.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Deja vue
Can I get in the witness protection program? Seriously! I am ready to remove this card from the deck. When I drew the card this morning I actually shouted "Oh c'mon", and Andy asked if I had gotten "that" card again. So even he was able to pick up on that. I am, again, divine witness.
So after I regrouped, I figured I might as well emberace this, as it seems that this is such an important lesson that I need to study it 3 times in one week.
It's hard to not be so...well I'll say it, pompous, judgemental and critical. It's been such a part of me for so long.
The hardest thing has been the self crticism and judgements. As harsh as I can be towards others, I am just as hard, if not harder on myself. If beating oneself up actually burned calories, I would be in much better shape.
I grew up with people who criticized "out of love". Much as I hated that, and still have very negative memories of that, I find that I do it as well. Sorry, I did it. I am doing my best to break that habit. I want positive thoughts and feeling to fill my life, and I want to be a positive light in the lives of others.
Today I am divine witness. I relate to myself and with others without judgement.
Universe, do I have it right yet?
So after I regrouped, I figured I might as well emberace this, as it seems that this is such an important lesson that I need to study it 3 times in one week.
It's hard to not be so...well I'll say it, pompous, judgemental and critical. It's been such a part of me for so long.
The hardest thing has been the self crticism and judgements. As harsh as I can be towards others, I am just as hard, if not harder on myself. If beating oneself up actually burned calories, I would be in much better shape.
I grew up with people who criticized "out of love". Much as I hated that, and still have very negative memories of that, I find that I do it as well. Sorry, I did it. I am doing my best to break that habit. I want positive thoughts and feeling to fill my life, and I want to be a positive light in the lives of others.
Today I am divine witness. I relate to myself and with others without judgement.
Universe, do I have it right yet?
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Giving thanks
Today I am Divine Gratitude.
There are the obvious ones - roof over my head, food in my fridge, clothes on my back... so instead I want to concentrate on the more obscure reasons to give thanks.
I am thankful for a husband who will remove the cats from the bedroom and shut the door to let me sleep in.
I am thankful for sushi restaurants that deliver.
I am thankful for warm spring days that allow for the windows to be opened wide.
I am thankful for long distance phone plans so that I can spend hours on the phone with my family.
I am thankful that my being unemployed allows me the time to go visit and lend a hand to my sister, my 18 month old niece, and my newborn nephew.
I am thankful for lazy Sunday afternoons spent with my husband.
I am thankful for the remote control for my bedroom light.
I am thankful that Andy starts a new job tomorrow.
I am thankful that my husband pitches in with housework without nagging.
I am thankful for a good night sleep to be prepared for tomorrow's session with my trainer at the gym.
Probably won't be as thankful for that last one tomorrow.
There are the obvious ones - roof over my head, food in my fridge, clothes on my back... so instead I want to concentrate on the more obscure reasons to give thanks.
I am thankful for a husband who will remove the cats from the bedroom and shut the door to let me sleep in.
I am thankful for sushi restaurants that deliver.
I am thankful for warm spring days that allow for the windows to be opened wide.
I am thankful for long distance phone plans so that I can spend hours on the phone with my family.
I am thankful that my being unemployed allows me the time to go visit and lend a hand to my sister, my 18 month old niece, and my newborn nephew.
I am thankful for lazy Sunday afternoons spent with my husband.
I am thankful for the remote control for my bedroom light.
I am thankful that Andy starts a new job tomorrow.
I am thankful that my husband pitches in with housework without nagging.
I am thankful for a good night sleep to be prepared for tomorrow's session with my trainer at the gym.
Probably won't be as thankful for that last one tomorrow.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
First Duplication
As there are 52 cards, I know that the same card is going to come up eventually. I wasn't expecting it on day 3! I gotta learn to shuffle better.
So today I am again divine witness. Striving for my words and actions to be true witness to who I am, and trying to interact with those around me without judgement.
This morning we went to synagogue. We found a lovely little synagogue near our home. Okay, I think it is the only synagogue in our city, but still. It is a reform congregation who have been nothing but welcoming to this interfaith couple. The atmosphere reminds me very much of my church at home. Family oriented, the music is provided by members of the congregation, rather small congregation, open in both mind and spirit, and warm.
This morning there was a Bat Mitzvah. As I don't read, speak, or understand Hebrew, there are large sections of the service that I can't follow along. But the chanting nature of the service allowed me time to meditate and reflect. The feeling of joy and celebration was electrifying the air. I took deep breaths, drawing the energy inside and letting that feeling fill me.
I love the Jewish ceremonies and services that I get to observe. It was especially moving to see the young girl up at the front this morning with her family. The Torah was passed from her great-grandfather, to her grandmother, to her parents, and finally to her. It is meant to symbolize how the faith is passed from one generation to another. I love the feeling of connection that comes from the traditions.
The synagogue was packed with friends and family of the Bat Mitzvah. There were also two children who were very ill-behaved,. Definitely old enough to know better. Running up and down the aisles. The young boy would not keep his yarmulke on (again, old enough to know better - he was about 7 or 8. I don't mean a 2 year old), and was running up to the front where they were reading from the Torah (if you are male, you need to have your yarmulke on, especially if you are at the front). The parents were not doing anything to try to control the situation.
At one point Andy whispered to me "I don't like them either". I jotted a quick note to him - explaining that I am trying to interact with the world without judgement. I said that I was trying to remember what it was like to be a young child, at a long and sometimes boring service, that you don't understand. If all the family had come together for this event, the house was probably full of excitement, food, and maybe even a late night. There had been baskets of candy at the entrance - during the service we were to throw the candy at the Bat Mitzvah to symbolize this sweet time - I don't think all the candy made it to that part of the service.
The difference was obvious at the end. As we drove away, Andy complained about this family, stating that they had ruined the service for him. Without thinking, I replied "No, you're letting them ruin it for you".
Before, I would have let them ruin it for me to.
All that being said, had I acted like that, I would have been disintegrated by the Superman like red laser beam eye lights that my dad would have fixed upon me at the first sign of acting up. I'm just saying.
So today I am again divine witness. Striving for my words and actions to be true witness to who I am, and trying to interact with those around me without judgement.
This morning we went to synagogue. We found a lovely little synagogue near our home. Okay, I think it is the only synagogue in our city, but still. It is a reform congregation who have been nothing but welcoming to this interfaith couple. The atmosphere reminds me very much of my church at home. Family oriented, the music is provided by members of the congregation, rather small congregation, open in both mind and spirit, and warm.
This morning there was a Bat Mitzvah. As I don't read, speak, or understand Hebrew, there are large sections of the service that I can't follow along. But the chanting nature of the service allowed me time to meditate and reflect. The feeling of joy and celebration was electrifying the air. I took deep breaths, drawing the energy inside and letting that feeling fill me.
I love the Jewish ceremonies and services that I get to observe. It was especially moving to see the young girl up at the front this morning with her family. The Torah was passed from her great-grandfather, to her grandmother, to her parents, and finally to her. It is meant to symbolize how the faith is passed from one generation to another. I love the feeling of connection that comes from the traditions.
The synagogue was packed with friends and family of the Bat Mitzvah. There were also two children who were very ill-behaved,. Definitely old enough to know better. Running up and down the aisles. The young boy would not keep his yarmulke on (again, old enough to know better - he was about 7 or 8. I don't mean a 2 year old), and was running up to the front where they were reading from the Torah (if you are male, you need to have your yarmulke on, especially if you are at the front). The parents were not doing anything to try to control the situation.
At one point Andy whispered to me "I don't like them either". I jotted a quick note to him - explaining that I am trying to interact with the world without judgement. I said that I was trying to remember what it was like to be a young child, at a long and sometimes boring service, that you don't understand. If all the family had come together for this event, the house was probably full of excitement, food, and maybe even a late night. There had been baskets of candy at the entrance - during the service we were to throw the candy at the Bat Mitzvah to symbolize this sweet time - I don't think all the candy made it to that part of the service.
The difference was obvious at the end. As we drove away, Andy complained about this family, stating that they had ruined the service for him. Without thinking, I replied "No, you're letting them ruin it for you".
Before, I would have let them ruin it for me to.
All that being said, had I acted like that, I would have been disintegrated by the Superman like red laser beam eye lights that my dad would have fixed upon me at the first sign of acting up. I'm just saying.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Not in the cards today...
Today I am Divine Peace......ppppppffffffffffffffffttttttttt.
Woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I woke up from a dream about my old place of work (I lost my job in November). Every person from whom I would run into oncoming traffic to avoid in real life was in the dream. Good times. I can't remember the exact details but there were lies being told about me. I do remember confronting one gentleman with a well placed knee to the, ah, goods, forcing him to say what was being said behind my back to my face. Absolutely no idea where that came from. Very unlike me.
I was actually very happy when I lost my job. I was MISERABLE there, but couldn't bring myself to get myself out. I had also seen it coming for a long time (just from other changes that were going on, not because I was a candidate for "world's worst employee"). When they asked me at "the meeting" if I needed a box for my personal effects, I let them know that I had a bottle of Lysol and a few pens...I thought I could manage.
What bugs me the most is that I can't control what might be said about me after I left. Now, just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean your not out to get me. I worry too much about what people think, I know.
That dream just put me in a pissy mood for the rest of the day. Poor Andy's isn't sure what to make of my mood today. At one point he demanded to know what my card for the day was....I wouldn't tell him because it was just too embarrassing. I guess he'll figure it out when he reads this.
But rather than than trying to push it to the corners of my mind, I made myself think about it. Here's what it comes down to: while I was happy to leave, I still hold a lot of resentment towards the company and some of the people there. I put up with a lot of crap, and gave everything that I had to them for 8 years. My spirit was squashed, trampled, spit upon and left to die there. I'm just now feeling like I've gotten myself back.
This resentment is keeping me from having peace in my life, at least on some fronts. I have to let it go...easier than said than done, but that's the plan.
So that' s the lesson from today. I wasn't able to embody peace, but I identified an area that I need to fix - I thought it was closed, but it obviously isn't. Finding what you don't have sometimes sheds more light than what you do have.
Woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I woke up from a dream about my old place of work (I lost my job in November). Every person from whom I would run into oncoming traffic to avoid in real life was in the dream. Good times. I can't remember the exact details but there were lies being told about me. I do remember confronting one gentleman with a well placed knee to the, ah, goods, forcing him to say what was being said behind my back to my face. Absolutely no idea where that came from. Very unlike me.
I was actually very happy when I lost my job. I was MISERABLE there, but couldn't bring myself to get myself out. I had also seen it coming for a long time (just from other changes that were going on, not because I was a candidate for "world's worst employee"). When they asked me at "the meeting" if I needed a box for my personal effects, I let them know that I had a bottle of Lysol and a few pens...I thought I could manage.
What bugs me the most is that I can't control what might be said about me after I left. Now, just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean your not out to get me. I worry too much about what people think, I know.
That dream just put me in a pissy mood for the rest of the day. Poor Andy's isn't sure what to make of my mood today. At one point he demanded to know what my card for the day was....I wouldn't tell him because it was just too embarrassing. I guess he'll figure it out when he reads this.
But rather than than trying to push it to the corners of my mind, I made myself think about it. Here's what it comes down to: while I was happy to leave, I still hold a lot of resentment towards the company and some of the people there. I put up with a lot of crap, and gave everything that I had to them for 8 years. My spirit was squashed, trampled, spit upon and left to die there. I'm just now feeling like I've gotten myself back.
This resentment is keeping me from having peace in my life, at least on some fronts. I have to let it go...easier than said than done, but that's the plan.
So that' s the lesson from today. I wasn't able to embody peace, but I identified an area that I need to fix - I thought it was closed, but it obviously isn't. Finding what you don't have sometimes sheds more light than what you do have.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Can I get a witness?
I picked today's card with great anticipation - this will be the first card I blog about. What pearls of wisdom do I need to learn today. Maybe I should explain how I pick the card each day...I shuffle, while thinking "What do I need to know today?". Then I pick the one that finger sticks on as I fan them out.
So what will it be today? Love? Peace? Gratitude? Bring it on.
So today I am divine....Witness! Beg pardon? Huh? As my husband Andy would say "What the truck?".
So right off the bat, it doesn't register with me...am I supposed to testify? Luckily the cards come with a handy dandy little booklet with a little message for each of the qualities.
So to bear witness on an internal level is to have your words and actions reflect who you are. On an external level it is to hold those around you without judgement. Or at least this is how I am interpreting it today.
Right now, I am a work in progress...okay, we are all works in progress, but right now I am a DIY's dream in full on reno mode. So I am trying to....scratch that, I AM changing who I was to reflect who I want to be.
So today I paid attention to how I was presenting myself - what I said, how I acted, how I held myself. I smiled more. I held my tonuge more (I make lots of sarcastic little asides... I tried to keep those to myself). And today I felt happy. Not short term something happened and because of that I feel happy, but just an old fashioned case of the no reason happies. And it felt good.
I also joined Weight Watchers earlier this year, and today was weigh in day. I was up .8 pounds, but that is far less damage than I was anticipating....this was not a good "on program" week as we say. But I will tell you this, I do not regret one single thing I ate this week. As I waited to get on the scale, I wasn't thinking "Boy I really wish that I hadn't had....". Everything I ate this week that maybe wasn't a dieter's best friend, I was choosing to eat (really consciously, I do want to have this chosing to eat). I enjoyed every mouthful. Do I wish I had lost this week, of course, who wouldn't? But there was NO negative self talk. That was also a good feeling.
On another aside -what is with this weather? Jeez Louise! I thought the whole thing was April showers....Here it has been pissing rain since mid afternoon, Several bouts of scary rain, and while the sky is a normal rainy grey now, before it was that eerie green grey that makes you think that something just ain't right.
Wishing you sunny skies!
So what will it be today? Love? Peace? Gratitude? Bring it on.
So today I am divine....Witness! Beg pardon? Huh? As my husband Andy would say "What the truck?".
So right off the bat, it doesn't register with me...am I supposed to testify? Luckily the cards come with a handy dandy little booklet with a little message for each of the qualities.
So to bear witness on an internal level is to have your words and actions reflect who you are. On an external level it is to hold those around you without judgement. Or at least this is how I am interpreting it today.
Right now, I am a work in progress...okay, we are all works in progress, but right now I am a DIY's dream in full on reno mode. So I am trying to....scratch that, I AM changing who I was to reflect who I want to be.
So today I paid attention to how I was presenting myself - what I said, how I acted, how I held myself. I smiled more. I held my tonuge more (I make lots of sarcastic little asides... I tried to keep those to myself). And today I felt happy. Not short term something happened and because of that I feel happy, but just an old fashioned case of the no reason happies. And it felt good.
I also joined Weight Watchers earlier this year, and today was weigh in day. I was up .8 pounds, but that is far less damage than I was anticipating....this was not a good "on program" week as we say. But I will tell you this, I do not regret one single thing I ate this week. As I waited to get on the scale, I wasn't thinking "Boy I really wish that I hadn't had....". Everything I ate this week that maybe wasn't a dieter's best friend, I was choosing to eat (really consciously, I do want to have this chosing to eat). I enjoyed every mouthful. Do I wish I had lost this week, of course, who wouldn't? But there was NO negative self talk. That was also a good feeling.
On another aside -what is with this weather? Jeez Louise! I thought the whole thing was April showers....Here it has been pissing rain since mid afternoon, Several bouts of scary rain, and while the sky is a normal rainy grey now, before it was that eerie green grey that makes you think that something just ain't right.
Wishing you sunny skies!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Desperately Seeking Sarah....
You know that feeling you get every now and then when you know *something* is missing? You check your keys, find your purse, fish the remote from behind the couch cushion, count your pets or kids, check your fingers and toes, but something still isn't sitting right...Then you realize that it's something inside that's missing. That's where I find myself from time to time, and look to different sources for the answer. I've turned to religion (I was baptized at 26, that didn't do it...I now attend synagogue on Saturdays with my husband, and while that is enjoyable, the beams of light have yet to come through the window, light be beautifully from behind while a choir of angels sing "Ahhhhhhh" in perfect harmony). I've turned to books. I've turned to the gym, to work, I'll try anything.
This year I stumbled across a course offered by Kimberly Carroll, called Soul Coaching. It's been an eye opener, and I have learned a lot about myself. I can feel pieces falling into place. The course introduced me to a set of affirmation cards called "I Am Divine", created by Barbara Burke. By (divine?) chance, I was destined to take this course with the author/illustrator as one of my journeymates (it is so much more than a course!). I purchased the cards, and am trying to diligently choose a card, and live by it daily.
I want to continue on this journey, but I know me....I need to answer to an outside force to help keep me on track....wait for the "ahhhhh" moment - Why not blog about it?
And so gentle reader, I have taken the first step in creating this blog. I hope that by keeping track of my journey it might add clarity. We'll see....but this might include non-divine, non soul growing rants - no guarantees - we're all entitled to bad days! But good or bad, each day has something to offer. Take the lemons, and make lemonade, or at least use them to garnish your Tom Collins.
Cheers!
This year I stumbled across a course offered by Kimberly Carroll, called Soul Coaching. It's been an eye opener, and I have learned a lot about myself. I can feel pieces falling into place. The course introduced me to a set of affirmation cards called "I Am Divine", created by Barbara Burke. By (divine?) chance, I was destined to take this course with the author/illustrator as one of my journeymates (it is so much more than a course!). I purchased the cards, and am trying to diligently choose a card, and live by it daily.
I want to continue on this journey, but I know me....I need to answer to an outside force to help keep me on track....wait for the "ahhhhh" moment - Why not blog about it?
And so gentle reader, I have taken the first step in creating this blog. I hope that by keeping track of my journey it might add clarity. We'll see....but this might include non-divine, non soul growing rants - no guarantees - we're all entitled to bad days! But good or bad, each day has something to offer. Take the lemons, and make lemonade, or at least use them to garnish your Tom Collins.
Cheers!
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