Last week we attended the funeral for a woman at my church. She died at the age of 99. On the front of the program was written "Today well lived makes/Yesterday a Dream of Happiness/And every Tomorrow a Vision of Hope".
This, and other events have made me start thinking about how I live my life. I don't live my life today, I live it yesterday or tomorrow, but not today.
My thoughts are very often filled with "I wish I had...., I wish I hadn't..., I can't believe I did...., if only I had....why did I...."
I think about stupid things I said or did when I was 8. I'll bet for the most part the other people there don't even remember. Until someone perfects the time machine, there isn't a whole lot that I can do about it. So why do I let it upset/embarrass/frustrate me now?
When I am not stressing about what happened eons ago, I plan my life around "tomorrow". Tomorrow I will start....as soon as this happens I'll do... once this is done, I can....
This is how I make excuses. Example, I decided recently that I should be going to the gym everyday. But I knew I was going to be going away on holidays...so I had better not start going to the gym everyday now, because I don't want to blow the new pattern so soon. I can rationlize pretty much anything, as flimsy as it may sound to others.
So, how to start living in the moment, or at least in the day (start small, let me get to living within the same 24 hour period before stressing on being within the nanosecond)? I guess the first thing would be to ask myself "what can I do today". Something I will need to work on.
I'll figure it out tomorrow :)
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Acceptance
Today I am divine acceptance. Don't try to force the universe to bend to your will, accept the flow of what is meant to be. If you cannot be "go with the flow", then try to reason that what is happening is meant to be happening, you are meant to be where you are.
Fridays have become quite stressful, as they have been, for the last few weeks "enema day". Not for me, but for our poor cat Cleo. It's necessary, but I feel so badly for her. It isn't a pleasant experience for any of us, but at least I understand what is going on, she doesn't have that luxury.
I wish that I could have shared divine acceptance with her. I can only hope that she understands that we are doing this for her own good.
Fridays have become quite stressful, as they have been, for the last few weeks "enema day". Not for me, but for our poor cat Cleo. It's necessary, but I feel so badly for her. It isn't a pleasant experience for any of us, but at least I understand what is going on, she doesn't have that luxury.
I wish that I could have shared divine acceptance with her. I can only hope that she understands that we are doing this for her own good.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
3 days grace
I did pick a card on Monday. I was divine grace - a new card, yay!
Per the book, divine grace "is a joining...an outpouring that eminates from partnership made with Spirit in everything I do...in that place, there is no effort".
As I failed to draw a new card yesterday or today, I've tried to remain in a state of grace. I think Grace helped me in my workout - I have had 2 awesome workouts with my trainer this week. I can't believe I am saying that. That is so unlike me....so like the old me.
I often thought about writing a letter to myself, in the event of some trauma resulting in amnesia. A letter telling myself who I am, but creating the person I want to be, not the person I was: "You're allergic to chocolate, don't go near the stuff. You are a fitness freak, and hit the gym 6 days a week. If you look and see that you are overweight, that must be a result of the accident." Maybe I'm recreating myself minus the physical and mental stress of an actual accident.
All said, that's probably the better route.
Per the book, divine grace "is a joining...an outpouring that eminates from partnership made with Spirit in everything I do...in that place, there is no effort".
As I failed to draw a new card yesterday or today, I've tried to remain in a state of grace. I think Grace helped me in my workout - I have had 2 awesome workouts with my trainer this week. I can't believe I am saying that. That is so unlike me....so like the old me.
I often thought about writing a letter to myself, in the event of some trauma resulting in amnesia. A letter telling myself who I am, but creating the person I want to be, not the person I was: "You're allergic to chocolate, don't go near the stuff. You are a fitness freak, and hit the gym 6 days a week. If you look and see that you are overweight, that must be a result of the accident." Maybe I'm recreating myself minus the physical and mental stress of an actual accident.
All said, that's probably the better route.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
My first card in how many weeks?
Since it has been so long, it felt like I was starting all over again. A little worried that it was going to be the week of divine witness again.
But today it was divine relationship. It proved interesting and helpful, though maybe not as it was intended.
I was a little short tempered today. Andy was annoying me to no end. But rather than snap at him, I bit my tongue, and tried to figure out what he was doing that was annoying me, and what it was in me that was reacting. Not always fun to find your own faults, but it comes down to this...if looking at these short comings and either fixing them or learing how to deal with them will make me a happier person, it is well worth the few minutes of uncomfortable self reflection.
Also, then I ate something and felt a little better - need to eat more regularly.
Went to see "Despicable Me" - funny movie. Saw the 3D version, and yes - a little freaky to see things coming off the screen at you.
But today it was divine relationship. It proved interesting and helpful, though maybe not as it was intended.
I was a little short tempered today. Andy was annoying me to no end. But rather than snap at him, I bit my tongue, and tried to figure out what he was doing that was annoying me, and what it was in me that was reacting. Not always fun to find your own faults, but it comes down to this...if looking at these short comings and either fixing them or learing how to deal with them will make me a happier person, it is well worth the few minutes of uncomfortable self reflection.
Also, then I ate something and felt a little better - need to eat more regularly.
Went to see "Despicable Me" - funny movie. Saw the 3D version, and yes - a little freaky to see things coming off the screen at you.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Whoops part 2
I think I need to start picking a card the night before. The mornings can just be too hectic, and then half the day is gone. If I pick a card the night before, I can meditate on it overnight, and then have a plan of action and mindset for the next morining. We will see if that works any better.
Cleo to the vet again for enemas. Not responding to the medication. Is at the vet overnight for more monitoring.
The question keeps coming up about putting her down. She is 12 - not ancient for a cat, but not a kitten. She has mega colon, which means that part of her colon has stopped pushing the feces out, so it is collecting in her intestine (hence all the enemas). Other than this, she has no other health issues - very mobile, eats, can see, can hear. The surgery is not a guarantee. So am I being selfish in pushing for the surgery?
In puddles of tears.
Cleo to the vet again for enemas. Not responding to the medication. Is at the vet overnight for more monitoring.
The question keeps coming up about putting her down. She is 12 - not ancient for a cat, but not a kitten. She has mega colon, which means that part of her colon has stopped pushing the feces out, so it is collecting in her intestine (hence all the enemas). Other than this, she has no other health issues - very mobile, eats, can see, can hear. The surgery is not a guarantee. So am I being selfish in pushing for the surgery?
In puddles of tears.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Whoops
Didn't pick a card today.
Day got off to a rocky start. Last night I finally went to bed (round two, after the wakeup call at 2) at 5 am. Kinda neat drifting off as daylight starts to drift in. Neat that is, when you don't have to get up the next morning. Alarm went off at 6:30. Put pillow over my head and left Andy to his own devices.
I woke up again at 10:30. But didn't wake up on my own, the cat (Dexter) wanted attention and started poking me in the face. When I wake up unexpectedly, it leaves me feeling horrible physically. Muscles hurt, disoriented, and my teeth hurt. That last one is a strange one, but yes, if I get jolted out of sleep, my teeth hurt.
That started my day - day was pretty good, but spent the whole day feeling like I was playing catch up.
Good news was that it was weigh in, and I was down 3.8, which meant that I hit my first 10% (10% of original weight lost). That was a nice milestone.
Day got off to a rocky start. Last night I finally went to bed (round two, after the wakeup call at 2) at 5 am. Kinda neat drifting off as daylight starts to drift in. Neat that is, when you don't have to get up the next morning. Alarm went off at 6:30. Put pillow over my head and left Andy to his own devices.
I woke up again at 10:30. But didn't wake up on my own, the cat (Dexter) wanted attention and started poking me in the face. When I wake up unexpectedly, it leaves me feeling horrible physically. Muscles hurt, disoriented, and my teeth hurt. That last one is a strange one, but yes, if I get jolted out of sleep, my teeth hurt.
That started my day - day was pretty good, but spent the whole day feeling like I was playing catch up.
Good news was that it was weigh in, and I was down 3.8, which meant that I hit my first 10% (10% of original weight lost). That was a nice milestone.
Long absence
Sorry...fell out of the habit of the cards, and so fell out of habit with the blog. I will draw a card tomorrow morning.
Well, actually, that will be this morning.
It is currently 3:25 am, and as I am not sleep-blogging, I am obviously awake.
2 conclusions ...1) I have just got to accept the fact that I cannot drink diet coke before bedtime and 2) I guess I can't watch Law and Order SVU before bed either.
I was watching SVU until 1, then went to bed. I know it took me some time before I fell asleep, but I did fall asleep. Then Andy got up 2 to go to the bathroom (sorry, babe, I guess there is no such thing as privacy on this blog!) and that woke me up. But I guess I was in a hazy half sleep, and it freaked me out a little. Tried to go back to sleep, but Cleo came along. Still having problems with Cleo - isn't responding to the increased meds, and it looks like surgery will be the next option.
She finally settled on top of my head. After a while, I got really uncomfortable, but I didn't want to disturb her. Especially since I thought that maybe the heat from my head against her stomach might be providing her with some relief/comfort. I lasted until 2:40, then I had to move.
Too agitated/wound up to sleep now.
Benefit to not working is that with a sleepless night, I can make up for it tomorrow. Disadvantage to not working is that if I sleep during the day, I can't sleep at night, leading to more nights like this.
I do not feel divine in the least.
Well, actually, that will be this morning.
It is currently 3:25 am, and as I am not sleep-blogging, I am obviously awake.
2 conclusions ...1) I have just got to accept the fact that I cannot drink diet coke before bedtime and 2) I guess I can't watch Law and Order SVU before bed either.
I was watching SVU until 1, then went to bed. I know it took me some time before I fell asleep, but I did fall asleep. Then Andy got up 2 to go to the bathroom (sorry, babe, I guess there is no such thing as privacy on this blog!) and that woke me up. But I guess I was in a hazy half sleep, and it freaked me out a little. Tried to go back to sleep, but Cleo came along. Still having problems with Cleo - isn't responding to the increased meds, and it looks like surgery will be the next option.
She finally settled on top of my head. After a while, I got really uncomfortable, but I didn't want to disturb her. Especially since I thought that maybe the heat from my head against her stomach might be providing her with some relief/comfort. I lasted until 2:40, then I had to move.
Too agitated/wound up to sleep now.
Benefit to not working is that with a sleepless night, I can make up for it tomorrow. Disadvantage to not working is that if I sleep during the day, I can't sleep at night, leading to more nights like this.
I do not feel divine in the least.
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