I was divine vision, but that's hard to do when you are not actually interacting with anyone. I'm not working right now, and Andy is away on business, so my social interaction is at a minimum. But it does give me time to contemplate things in the theoretical, if not the practical. To be divine vision, is to see without judgement.
I did have my Weight Watchers meeting today. I am opening my eyes to how many people go through the same though patterns that I have. Funny though that those thought patterns have always kept me sort of isolated. Well, more of a chicken and egg type of situation. I was isolated due to the thoughts, but the thoughts brought more isolation. It's eye opening to see that even those who you would think have it all together, don't. And I am learning that there are people who seem to think that I have it all together. I guess it's all about appearances.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Intentions
Today was divine intention. I laughed when I pulled that card, as we all know what the road to hell is paved with...My thoughts at the end of the night are ususally "I intended to, I meant to, I planned to...."all variations of the same theme.
I guess the difference lies between "having" intention, and "being" intention. Having intention is a free floating idea, being intention haws every cell of your being working with that intention. These past few days I have had renewed resolution to be more productive, and I think that I have been pretty successful. But today was successful with a constant feeling of a team effort. I know it sounds strange, but it was body, mind and spirit working together. Now wonder I'm tired at the end of the day...apparently it takes 3 of me to get me through the day. Maybe that's partly the Gemini in me coming out. But there is a sense of accomplishment as the day winds down, and a sense of pride knowing that jobs were done, were done properly, and that short cuts were not taken. No procrastination to pull me down.
And Kimberly, if you are reading this, I had forgotten how nice it was to start the days with your recordings. Day 2 of Take 2 of the soul coaching brought great meditation.
I guess the difference lies between "having" intention, and "being" intention. Having intention is a free floating idea, being intention haws every cell of your being working with that intention. These past few days I have had renewed resolution to be more productive, and I think that I have been pretty successful. But today was successful with a constant feeling of a team effort. I know it sounds strange, but it was body, mind and spirit working together. Now wonder I'm tired at the end of the day...apparently it takes 3 of me to get me through the day. Maybe that's partly the Gemini in me coming out. But there is a sense of accomplishment as the day winds down, and a sense of pride knowing that jobs were done, were done properly, and that short cuts were not taken. No procrastination to pull me down.
And Kimberly, if you are reading this, I had forgotten how nice it was to start the days with your recordings. Day 2 of Take 2 of the soul coaching brought great meditation.
Monday, September 27, 2010
So easily derailed
I started over today. I got my 28 Day Soul Coaching CD's, and started on day 1. It was the soul coaching that brought me to the I am Divine cards. I liked where I was going on that journey, but have gotten away from it, so decided to go back to square one.
It was such a good day....very productive, lots of to do's crossed off...got up, went to the gym, came home, did housework, went grocery shopping, put groceries away, dealt with an at home appointment with a service contractor, made home made rolls, made a loaf of bread, got dinner on the table. This is where the day went downhill.
I called Andy at 6. He was leaving shortly, and he had 2 errands to run on the way home. I said, so you'll be home around 8. He said no, 7, 7:30 at the latest. Well, I had planned to eat dinner together, but I was hungry, and I don't like eating too late at night. So I ate dinner, but thought, well, when Andy comes home, I'll sit with him while he eats dinner. I set the shows I like to watch to tape, knowing he would want to watch his shows. 7 and 7:30 came and went. As it approached 8, I though, gee, I'll put Andy's show to tape too, because I know how much he likes it. At 8:30 I got fed up. I cleaned everything up, and started to go upstairs, as there were things that I did want to do, but I had been putting off, waiting for Andy to come home, figuring it was going to be any minute. Of course that's when he walked in the door. Arguing and shouting ensued.
It is really to much to ask to get a phone call when someone is running late? I guess so, because this has been an ongoing issue througHout our marriage. Is it a girl thing? Do I just make a big deal out of it because as girls, we are taught to let people know where we are? Or is it just a consciencious thing? I was further set off because his apology is so hollow and insincere. His apology comes across as "I'm sorry that you got yourself upset, but it's your problem, not mine.". And yes, it is my issue, not his, but isn't being part of a relationship recognizing the triggers that your partner has, accepting them and not deliberately pressing them? If he's running late, I want him to call me and let me know. He can think that it's not necessary, he can think that I'm being anal, that's fine, but it all it takes is a quick call to say "I'll be an hour later than I thought", isn't that easier? I'm not so controlling that I expect a call if he's running a little late, but there's a big difference between being 20-30 minutes late, and almost 2 hours.
Today I was divine unity. The only thing that occured to me was wanting to unite my foot with his butt.
However, as with Day 1 of the Soul Coaching journey, I did remember to breathe.
Holding on to anger isn't productive, but I can't help but feeling that in just letting this go, nothing will get resolved, because Andy doesn't care. Of course, he leaves on business on Wednesday, and I will feel to guilty if he leaves and we are still on bad terms, so I will smooth everything over, and nothing will get resolved anyway.
F**K!
It was such a good day....very productive, lots of to do's crossed off...got up, went to the gym, came home, did housework, went grocery shopping, put groceries away, dealt with an at home appointment with a service contractor, made home made rolls, made a loaf of bread, got dinner on the table. This is where the day went downhill.
I called Andy at 6. He was leaving shortly, and he had 2 errands to run on the way home. I said, so you'll be home around 8. He said no, 7, 7:30 at the latest. Well, I had planned to eat dinner together, but I was hungry, and I don't like eating too late at night. So I ate dinner, but thought, well, when Andy comes home, I'll sit with him while he eats dinner. I set the shows I like to watch to tape, knowing he would want to watch his shows. 7 and 7:30 came and went. As it approached 8, I though, gee, I'll put Andy's show to tape too, because I know how much he likes it. At 8:30 I got fed up. I cleaned everything up, and started to go upstairs, as there were things that I did want to do, but I had been putting off, waiting for Andy to come home, figuring it was going to be any minute. Of course that's when he walked in the door. Arguing and shouting ensued.
It is really to much to ask to get a phone call when someone is running late? I guess so, because this has been an ongoing issue througHout our marriage. Is it a girl thing? Do I just make a big deal out of it because as girls, we are taught to let people know where we are? Or is it just a consciencious thing? I was further set off because his apology is so hollow and insincere. His apology comes across as "I'm sorry that you got yourself upset, but it's your problem, not mine.". And yes, it is my issue, not his, but isn't being part of a relationship recognizing the triggers that your partner has, accepting them and not deliberately pressing them? If he's running late, I want him to call me and let me know. He can think that it's not necessary, he can think that I'm being anal, that's fine, but it all it takes is a quick call to say "I'll be an hour later than I thought", isn't that easier? I'm not so controlling that I expect a call if he's running a little late, but there's a big difference between being 20-30 minutes late, and almost 2 hours.
Today I was divine unity. The only thing that occured to me was wanting to unite my foot with his butt.
However, as with Day 1 of the Soul Coaching journey, I did remember to breathe.
Holding on to anger isn't productive, but I can't help but feeling that in just letting this go, nothing will get resolved, because Andy doesn't care. Of course, he leaves on business on Wednesday, and I will feel to guilty if he leaves and we are still on bad terms, so I will smooth everything over, and nothing will get resolved anyway.
F**K!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Coming back to life
My schedule is slowly returning....got up this morning, drew a new card, and went to the gym. The card I drew was Divine Mystery. It seems like a "get out of jail free" card in Monopoly...I think this is the one that people must hope to draw, nearly on a daily basis. Divine Mystery is to open yourself up to what is possible, and see what comes along.
Today was nearly a perfect day. I don't mean that we won the lottery, or that Andy surprised me with some whirlwind romantic get away, or anything that would make it a stereotypically perfect day.
So what made it perfect? The little things. The little things seemed to line up. I had errands to run, and I remembered everything that needed to be done. There weren't line ups at the bank or at the store. I went in to Zellers with a list of things that I needed, and I came out with only things that were on the list (with the exception of a tube of contact cement that I need for a home repair. Granted, it wasn't on the list, but as far as "impulse buys" go, this doesn't register on the treating yourself scale).
I came home to a spotless kitchen, something that I have been working very hard to achieve. On the spur of the moment, I was able to throw together a beef stew and home made rolls for dinner. And I cleaned up every step of the way. The kitchen is still spotless. It does help that I made the rolls with the aid of my new breadmaker (BEST purchase EVER!!! I got it on Sunday, and this was my third creation with it. This will have paid for itself by the end of the month at this rate!).
The feeling of accomplishement with a list of errands done, a good homecooked meal, and a sparkly kitchen. That made for a fantastic day.
Today was nearly a perfect day. I don't mean that we won the lottery, or that Andy surprised me with some whirlwind romantic get away, or anything that would make it a stereotypically perfect day.
So what made it perfect? The little things. The little things seemed to line up. I had errands to run, and I remembered everything that needed to be done. There weren't line ups at the bank or at the store. I went in to Zellers with a list of things that I needed, and I came out with only things that were on the list (with the exception of a tube of contact cement that I need for a home repair. Granted, it wasn't on the list, but as far as "impulse buys" go, this doesn't register on the treating yourself scale).
I came home to a spotless kitchen, something that I have been working very hard to achieve. On the spur of the moment, I was able to throw together a beef stew and home made rolls for dinner. And I cleaned up every step of the way. The kitchen is still spotless. It does help that I made the rolls with the aid of my new breadmaker (BEST purchase EVER!!! I got it on Sunday, and this was my third creation with it. This will have paid for itself by the end of the month at this rate!).
The feeling of accomplishement with a list of errands done, a good homecooked meal, and a sparkly kitchen. That made for a fantastic day.
slowly coming back to life
I did pick a card yesterday, I just forgot to blog. I have been out of sorts...it's been hard to get back into a schedule, as loose a schedule as it may be.
I've had a cold for a week and a half now....I don't know if it has been a particularily nasty cold, or if because I am not working I notice it, but I have not had the energy to do anything. When you're working and you get sick and you feel exhausted, it's easy enough to say well, I'm sick and it's been a long day, so that's why I'm tired. I wasn't doing anything to be that tired....
Yesterday I was divine awareness. I did feel more focused/determined. I was cleaning/decluttering/organizing, and really did get things accomplished yesterday. That felt good.
I was most definitely aware of the thunderstorm this morning! It wasn't a good night. If you asked me, I would say that I couldn't sleep, and I was up until well after 2. I probably was sleeping, but it sure didn't feel like it. I did see the lightning moving in, then the thunder and lightning started with real intensity. I love thunderstorms, but even I was a little unnerved by the one last night. Then Andy had to get up at 5 today, and I was worried that the power would go out, and Andy wouldn't get up in time (his boss picked him up at 5:30 this morning for a business trip). All in all it was not a restful night. But tonight we can try again!
I've had a cold for a week and a half now....I don't know if it has been a particularily nasty cold, or if because I am not working I notice it, but I have not had the energy to do anything. When you're working and you get sick and you feel exhausted, it's easy enough to say well, I'm sick and it's been a long day, so that's why I'm tired. I wasn't doing anything to be that tired....
Yesterday I was divine awareness. I did feel more focused/determined. I was cleaning/decluttering/organizing, and really did get things accomplished yesterday. That felt good.
I was most definitely aware of the thunderstorm this morning! It wasn't a good night. If you asked me, I would say that I couldn't sleep, and I was up until well after 2. I probably was sleeping, but it sure didn't feel like it. I did see the lightning moving in, then the thunder and lightning started with real intensity. I love thunderstorms, but even I was a little unnerved by the one last night. Then Andy had to get up at 5 today, and I was worried that the power would go out, and Andy wouldn't get up in time (his boss picked him up at 5:30 this morning for a business trip). All in all it was not a restful night. But tonight we can try again!
Monday, September 13, 2010
divine despair
I have fallen off the wagon with a thud big enough to register on the richter scale. Forgive me readers, for I have lapsed. It's been about 6 weeks since my last posting.
I did draw cards, some days, not every day, but found it hard to bring it into my life. Irealize that I am in a catch 22. Scared to move forward, but afraid that I will find that life has passed me by. A lot of this has to do with the fear of looking for a job. I don't want to do customer service any more, but what if that's actually all I am cut out for? What if that is actually all I am able to do? I am completely customer serviced out. I no longer care. It's hard to be on the phone for 8 hours taking crap for things that are not your fault. Especially since I do take everything personally, if you tell me it was my fault, I will take the blame. I will actually feel guilty that a traffic accident on the other side of the country that resulted in a Purolator shipment to be delayed. What possible control do I have over that? But I will take the blame. I think the "joys" of the job came a few years back...my company had received a letter from Quebec, in French, and I was asked to translate. It was a letter to all window covering manufactuers regarding safety, and included the autopsy/death report for a 2 year old girl who strangled herself in her bed on the cords from the blinds. I read details that I could have done without. Then the next phone call is to complain that someone still doesn't have window coverings up in their spare bathroom. Really? Is that the important thing in all of this?
Anyway... the job search is causing great distress.
Doesn't help that it is now 2:38 am, and I am obviously wide awake...Andy is away on business, which plays havoc with my sleep schedule. I have a cold, and had counted on the medications I have been taking to knock me out. Tonight they have let me down. Maybe that's a good thing though. I have cough medicine with codine, which has made me hallucinate in the past. I took it yesterday - I woke up and fell asleep 3 times to the same dream. I was in the Victorian age, and was part of a book club. The book we read had a character who was a doctor, and one woman in the group was pissing me off, because she was taking this character as an actual person, and was refering to him as an expert. It was very bizarre. I don't do well when left to my own intellectual devices. It's scary up there.
I did draw cards, some days, not every day, but found it hard to bring it into my life. Irealize that I am in a catch 22. Scared to move forward, but afraid that I will find that life has passed me by. A lot of this has to do with the fear of looking for a job. I don't want to do customer service any more, but what if that's actually all I am cut out for? What if that is actually all I am able to do? I am completely customer serviced out. I no longer care. It's hard to be on the phone for 8 hours taking crap for things that are not your fault. Especially since I do take everything personally, if you tell me it was my fault, I will take the blame. I will actually feel guilty that a traffic accident on the other side of the country that resulted in a Purolator shipment to be delayed. What possible control do I have over that? But I will take the blame. I think the "joys" of the job came a few years back...my company had received a letter from Quebec, in French, and I was asked to translate. It was a letter to all window covering manufactuers regarding safety, and included the autopsy/death report for a 2 year old girl who strangled herself in her bed on the cords from the blinds. I read details that I could have done without. Then the next phone call is to complain that someone still doesn't have window coverings up in their spare bathroom. Really? Is that the important thing in all of this?
Anyway... the job search is causing great distress.
Doesn't help that it is now 2:38 am, and I am obviously wide awake...Andy is away on business, which plays havoc with my sleep schedule. I have a cold, and had counted on the medications I have been taking to knock me out. Tonight they have let me down. Maybe that's a good thing though. I have cough medicine with codine, which has made me hallucinate in the past. I took it yesterday - I woke up and fell asleep 3 times to the same dream. I was in the Victorian age, and was part of a book club. The book we read had a character who was a doctor, and one woman in the group was pissing me off, because she was taking this character as an actual person, and was refering to him as an expert. It was very bizarre. I don't do well when left to my own intellectual devices. It's scary up there.
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